Saturday Morning

Such a joyous saturday mornng... spent ib sunshine, writing a letter to a friend , helping the kids do their writing and reading books! wish for many more such days in my life ❤ ps : Have a pic to go with this post but not yet sure how to upload it 

And I am Back

I have missed writing ! so dearly ! The thing is , i realize there are several times i have said this and then i slack; I don't write and i come back and say the exact same thing.. what is consistent ( apart from me slacking) is that i always miss writing. Reading and writing makes me feel good and stay connected with my thoughts. Over the last 5 years, i have had phases of writing that i kept going thru'; "n we thunk" emails with Monika and Radha or FB interactions. In the recent past , Radha and I started exchanging thoughts on a Q via whatsapp. It isnt the ideal form of writing, but something is better than nothing. I say all these things like you know who they are and what i am referring to. But i do know and i have come to realize that though i enjoy interactions with readers this writing is mostly for me. Now, i havw no readers but still have been motivated to write. I will be taking the time to document important memories, coz i need a place to log them. yayeeee! for my first come back post... after almost seven years!

I am HAPPY! Very HAPPY! can't yet say why..but will come back to let you all in. But for now I'm Happy ! and just wanted to spread the joy! louuuve

I have writte a million posts ... well not really million but several in my head and several in drafts. Not able to publish as blogger is lumping it all into one biiiiig para and not accepting para-breaks. UGH! any ideas how to resolve ? Also, does anyone read me anymore? Write back and let me know how you are doing!

PAIN….

Late Friday night, early Saturday morning, as I was heading to bed…I checked FB on my phone one more time and saw the millionth post of a parent hugging their child tighter that evening. I locked my phone with a bit of irritation and with the word” seriously?!”  in my head fell tight asleep.

 Saturday morning I woke up with a sudden “OMG! Am I jealous?. Is that why I am reacting that way?!” thought. Honest.

N so, when I learnt about to the CT shooting on Friday afternoon my 1^st reaction was sadness and anger. My delivery manager saw me and asked me if everything was allright… and I told him, it was the shooting that upset me and how mad I was at the guy who had the heart to take away the lives of so many innocent children and ranted about how this is a repeated occurrence in the United States and we have to take some stand on gun control. The evening was fine, with some discussion about it on n off.  

But Saturday was when I got thinking more about the CT shooting. About the parents who would have struggled to sleep that night .About how they would have never thought that that morning was the last time they kissed their baby to school.  About how they must be regretting getting mad at their child for spilt b’fast that Friday morning .  About their beautiful Christmas tree on which they would have hung their child’s favorite ornament, which now would mean nothing.  The Christmas tree probably looks ugly to them now. Brings them sad memories. About the future they had dreamt of for their li’l one.  About the children who have to go back to that school. About the parents who have to be willing to send their children to school. How hard it must be for them to wake up on Saturday morning, of course…only if they got any sleep on Friday night.

Those of you who have read me long enough, probably know that I am a person with theories. I survive life based on my belief in theories like ‘Everything Happens for the best!” and “Everything has a rhyme n reason to it”. Why , even my comeback post was about that. But now, I laugh at my theories. How can anything related to the CT shooting be for the best? I dare not try and tell a parent who has lost a child that it’s for the best. I’ve seen some people holding onto their faith system and belief that God knows what he is doing.  I am jealous of these people… coz, I want to ask God, what the hec this is about?! What on earth was he thinking? How could those innocent lives have deserved that? How can any parent be inflicted with such pain?

N then I think…. Is it better to have or not to have?  Isn’t it tougher to cope with the loss of a child after having one rather than never having a child? Isn’t it tougher to be a mother of a child who takes innocent lives than not be a mother at all?

When the dark knight theatre shooting incident happened, and I saw the culprit, on news, all of 20 yrs I think..I felt sad for him. I wondered what must have happened in his life to make him do this. Surely, it was a psychotic moment. He was a patient, who no one realized needed help.

 And I feel the same about this kid. Someone who desperately needed help and had no clue what he was doing. He killed his mother. The woman, in all probability did her best to shield him from hatred and violence and pain. What went wrong? Where?

The more I think about this, the more questions I have in my mind. It seems impossible to make sense of any of this. So for now, I’m doing the easiest thing that one can do. Be cross at the almighty for letting this happen. For the inexplicable PAIN that so many of us are feeling. And then I find myself praying to him, to never make a mother or child go thru’ this. Never again.

Timing!

Everything in life..ya everything...is timed. Therz a reason why it happens when it happens.

So, we moved to MN. That's right after several years in VT..we both changed jobs..well, just our clients and our city. There was a certain sense of nervousness about leaving the known and moving to a place where we didn't know anybody. But we were more excited 'coz we've been wanting this change for a while now.

Anyways...to continue talking..actually writing what this post is about... based on how the move was triggered and how things fell in place and how some things happened as we moved.. it all falls in place. The reasons are so clear! It is all timed by the unknown supreme powers.

5 Happy Years and Counting…

We have been married for 5 yrs as of 6/14/2011. Am excited to reach this milestone…not surprised… but excited enough to add to the regular Anniversary celebrations.

Ours was a fairly typical arranged marriage. The kind where parents checked the horoscopes, then we spent hours and days and weeks and months talking to each other, okay-ed each other, the in-laws came to “see” me and “finalize’ our marriage and that was it, then we were married. And if I may say, we didn’t start out in love with each other. I would say we were infatuated with each other. And over these 5 years have fallen in love . Touchwood!




I’d like to make 2 lists, One, our journey in the last 5 years and two, 5 things that Marriage has taught me.

Our journey together so far…

June 2006 – May 2007 : Dealing with adopting a new family to be my own, living away from each other after being married, Moving to a strange city and then a strange country, learning to cook , Learning to manage our home, Not being able to lock myself alone when mad with the other half, Getting used to being called a ‘wife’ or asked about the ‘husband’, enjoying the freedom to romance and love a man openly, yearning for someone in a way you never imagined, long drives and feeling elated ‘coz I realize that the hubby loves driving as much as the dad does….. Honestly, the 1s year was a very confusing one.
Places we were at : Bangalore, Dindigul (TN), Chennai, Kerala, Mumbai, Hyderabad, Vermont, NYC, Niagara Falls, Pittsburgh, Boston

June 2007 – May 2008 : Appreciating that I have a husband who is willing to move for my job, Enjoying time with each other, Figuring out a routine as a married couple, Trying to manage our work-related travels, Struggling to attain stability, began the ‘yearly’ holiday routine…….This was the year that we were figuring out each other and what makes things better vs worse. There were times we loved each other and at other times when we questioned the marriage.
Places we were at: Maryland, Virginia, DC, NJ, Puerto Rico, Pennsylvania, Toronto, Ontario, Montreal

June 2008 -May 2009 : Managed to start leading the life of a ‘regular’ married couple, Appreciated belonging to each other, started gaining stability in life, Did an awesome road-trip, discovered our love for nature and national parks….A good and fairly uneventful year!
Places we were at: Vermont, San Diego, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Utah, LA

June 2009 -May 2010 : Had the in-laws visiting for 4 months, learnt that the husband will not behave differently in front of parents, in fact learnt that he will stand up for me if it comes down to that, Started getting a feel of potential life troubles heading our way, handled it very nervously……A rollercoaster year!
Places we were at: Vermont, NYC, NJ, Maine, Boston, Keywest, Miami, Orlando

June 2010 -May 2011 : The potential trouble became an actual heartache , it brought us closer than ever, We became adventurous and greedy about making the best of life, We cared lesser about the world’s opinions, became more health-conscious, Cried and laughed together a lot more often, did a 17-hour road trip and realized we’ll love to try a month-long one, figured we don’t know when we’ll get the answer to our worries, but know for sure that we will get it some day….. An eventful year!
Places we were at: Vermont, SFO, Maine, Smoky Mountains

5 Lessons that Marriage has taught me
1.As clichéd as it sounds, Marriage has taught me all that matters is that eventually we are together. It’s not that worldly worries don’t haunt me or that I welcome it with open arms..but dealing with them seems a lot easier when we have each other. The trait of ‘sense of humor’ mabbe under-rated but definitely not over-rated, it helps you get by a lot of stuff in life. If life gave me another chance, I would embrace it just the way it currently is.

2.Marriage has taught me to be less bull-headed. To be a li’l patient and to change those things about me that at one point -in-time were considered to be personality traits that one could never ever change. It has taught me that compromise is not a bad word and the importance of giving a relationship one’s best at pretty much all times.

3.Marriage has taught me that relationships need to be worked on, on a regular basis, if not day-to-day. It has taught me that each phase of a marriage poses a different type of challenge and that both the parties involved need to figure out the solution. It has taught me that what the world feels doesn’t matter as long as we both agree. It has taught me that fights are not a bad thing.

4.Marriage has taught me to look at LOVE differently. To respect and understand those who cannot say those 3 words . It has made me realize that different people have different ways of showing their love and affection and it’s up to the receiver to interpret and u’stand the way the giver chooses to give it.

5.Marriage has taught me what it is to belong to someone. It has taught me that one can be an independent woman even while the two people in the marriage are responsible for a different set of tasks and therefore dependent on each other. It has taught me to work as a team. It has helped me u’stand how two people become one.

Last Year in my 20s !

Hmm.. so the B’day obsessed girl that I am..I have to write about it… I celebrated yet another ‘Happy’ B’day! Was a nice few days leading up to it and following it.. Made up for the lousy B’day that I had last year.

Jack.. I was so touched, that you remembered. Thank You so much!

On the evening before my B’day 2 of my girl friends coordinated with the husband and had me go over to their place to pick up something. When I went there…they had cooked an awesome dinner for us and baked me a upside down pineapple cake. All yummmieee stuff! They presented me a beautiful dress and cleaning gloves… ya u read right..lol, Mon is alwez complaining about how I don’t use gloves while doing dishes…and now, thanks to her gift, I use them and take care of my hands :)

On my B’day , I wore this really pretty dress. I don’t have any of that kind and it was a last-minute steal. The husband gifted me a cool slide-sling bag. At work, a colleague Heidi, presented me a card, a friendship willow-tree doll, a pair of ear-rings and bught me a cake. I’ve alwez wanted to collect them willow-tree dolls and this is the 1st one..i was so happy. The day at work went by in a daze. I was busy attending meetings and B’day phone calls.

In the evening, another couple-friend brought over a Ben n Jerry’s ice-cream cake. Yummylicious is an understatement. So ya I cut 3 cakes this B’day !

Then V and I went to a play of ‘To kill a mocking Bird’. It was brilliant and dined at a mexican restaurant afterwards.I received gifts from 2 other friends through post. A bag, a top, a card . a scarf and a fancy hair clip. So ya, gifts galore!

On the Saturday following my B’day we went to Albany for the Tulip festival…which was a great day out to ! so ya, all in all had an awesome time.

The following i.e on May 14th, I wrote my PMP certification exam and passed it! so ya, I am a certified Project Management Professional now! woo hoooo !

The Tamil New Year started on a fairly bad note for us. But I hope that was the end of bad times, that good times are awaiting us. I pray that my 29th year is very special and turns out to be a significant one!

Is the Glass half empty or half full?
I feel the World is becoming a better place. Everything about it isn’t perfect and in all honesty will probably never be, but what the hec, I’ve always believed that perfection is an illusion! Therz nothing about it that’s realistic or for that matter inspiring. There is always scope for improvement and that’s what motivates me and keeps me hopeful.

I don’t understand the cynics who smirk at every step we take and say there is no use of that step ‘coz we’ll never quite reach the top of the tower. How does one reach the top without climbing those zillion small steps? I agree…that maybe for every 10 steps we take ahead , there are actions that send us 5 steps down or mabbe 15 steps down, but yet I want to rejoice n celebrate those 10 steps while I mourn n rant about the 15 steps. You don’t quite have the right to whine , if you don’t appreciate…do you? If pessimism is going to aid in development in any manner, tell me ,and I’ll join you but not otherwise.

Anyways..over the last few days…this is what some of us have celebrated while the rest have criticized n been cynical about…

- The World Cup win. What’s not to celebrate in this u ask…some ppl are cookin up a match-fixin story , while others are whining about why other sports aren’t given as much attention while some others are worried about the display of unity in India on just that one evening! What spoil-sports? Do they realize they were not part of that unity for even that one night?
- Anna Hazare’s movement. I was so proud of him. n yet there are ppl scoffing at him and his supporters asking if that’ll change India and make it free of corruption. No it won’t. Its not an overnight movement. No kind of revolution is. It takes time and perseverance. It’s not going to make India better for us…but if we are diligent and don’t give up..I’m sure it will be a better place for our children or mabbe our grandchildren.
- Osama Bin Laden’s death… The unimaginable has been made possible! La la la ! You say , his death doesn’t mean that terrorism has ended? I very well know that ! He played such a significant role n manslaughter and his death will definitely shake up his team-mates., no? Baby steps people…Baby steps! You can’t do nothing and expect a miracle to occur overnight. I donno I mabbe daft , but I believed it, the instant I saw the news flash on my phone. I know people are asking for a death certificate n what not… but me…I’m a believer and a celebrator (is that a word?) !

I want to ask the cynics, pessimists, non-believers to back off and focus their energy in encouraging(if not contributing) those who are trying to make the world a better place. Don’t forget the age-old sayin, ‘Li’l dops of water make an ocean!”

Just Sayin
I have had so many many many posts in my mind..but life has gotten so busy. Find it hard to make the time to write. Today I’m down with fever, cold, cough and so am working from home..and so using the opportunity to write in my space.

Okay..so last year many of you may have suddenly noticed that girls across the globe were updating their status on FB with the name of a color.. ‘Red’. ‘Blue’. ‘off-white’,’black’. I know I did and was a while before I caught on, and like me many of you may have eventually learnt that this was for breast-cancer awareness and girls had to update the color of their bras. Some people criticized it and the rest said it was a ‘Fun’ way to spread awareness. Personally, I was on the fence and couldn’t make up my mind.
This year.. several messages and emails were sent over the last weekend asking girls to update their status with the name of a fruit depending on what their relationship status was, this again to spread awareness about breast cancer. There were not as many updates as the last time. I wonder why? How is this less fun than putting up ur bra color? I donno, I feel like those who updated their status last year, but didn’t this year…were not really concerned about spreading any kind of awareness! So, Not cool , I say !!

The Decade that was…

I didn’t realize that we were beginning a whole new decade until I read a fellow blogger’s post about looking back at the decade. And that’s when it struck me, that it was indeed the beginning of a new decade! In the last decade I’ve evolved from a student to a working professional and taken on the role of a wife, which has taught me so much more about life and myself! I really liked the idea of looking back at the last 10 years..n so here I go….

- At the beginning of the decade I turned 18, a fairly significant age, in my mind.

- For the 1st 17 years of my life, I hadn’t seen much change. I went to the same school and stayed in the same house, with pretty much the same neighbors and friends in school for 14 long years. ( Don’t have much of a recollection of life before I was 4) Life was a routine for the most part n I loved it. Dusshera and summer vacations were in Chennai (ya, u can gasp, we spent summer breaks in Chennai) with maternal grandparents. N then at the beginning of the decade we moved to our new home and I joint college. I feared the change even before it set upon us and made peace with it only ‘coz I didn’t have a choice. Once I adapted to the new home and college, I again got into a mode when I didn’t want anything to change.

- Marriage happened around mid-decade and that’s when I started embracing and even looking forward to changes. Since Marriage I have moved several cities and even across a country. If I had my way, I would move to a new city or mabbe even country every year. I want to explore, experience and learn as much as possible.

- It was the decade in which I met some amazing people who I believe will be friends for life. Of course, there have been several ups n downs with these people but still I yearned for their friendships that were/are meant to be forever in my mind, n things have always got sorted out eventually. And as I moved from city to city I fearlessly made wonderful new friends and learnt to appreciate how much they had to offer to me in terms of love, laughter and lessons.

- I yet have friends from the previous decade and I feel like I will have them for a long time to come.

- I have learnt that at one point though it may seem like life is impossible without a certain person/thing and the want is so strong that our life revolves around it yet eventually we WILL move on. No want is so big that it will destroy us, unless we let it do so. We will get over anyone or anything. Life goes on. Period.

- I have shocked myself with some of the decisions I’ve made and things I’ve done. At one point I would have never approved of these things from anyone forget myself, but after being thru’ it I realize one can never predict what one will or will not do for sure. It depends on the circumstance.

- I used to be a cry-baby. Don’t cry so much anymore.

- I’ve learnt to swim.

- I’ve learnt to drive a car. (Will hopefully learn to ride a 2-wheeler this decade!)

- I’ve gotten drunk twice, bad enough to be puking and have a headache for most of the next day. Both times I realized I HATE how I feel when I’m drunk. It’s “being high” that I liked.

- I’ve learnt that love can be expressed in far better ways than using the three words “I love you”.

- Thru this decade my weight has varied from 36 Kgs to a max of 44 kgs.

- I have vacationed a lot this decade. Seen many places and hope the next decade only gets better in this aspect

- I have suffered and survived things that I would never imagine myself going thru’. I feel like I handled it pretty well. Of course I cried and questioned and all that, but eventually I got back to hoping and believing and giving my best.

- I’ve made an online friend who I’ve still never seen face-to-face. Someone who I can share my deepest secrets with and one who has been a great pillar of support.

- Bangalore is yet very close to my heart and yet the place I will call home, but if I were given a choice in the immediate future, Bangalore is not the place I would want to move to.

- In school I wasn’t very popular among the boys, this decade changed that. Some of my closest friends are guys and I’ve had the chance to say ‘No’ to some proposals!

- I can vouch for the “If you love something let it go, if it returns to you, it’s yours; if not, it never was” saying. I’ve tried and tested it. People I’ve let go after years of desperation for their attention and love have returned to me! n I've gotten over the people who didn't. This experience has resulted in me handling my relationships in an entirely different manner.

- I have always been curious about astrology and other forms of getting a peak into the future. Some experiences from the last decade have made the belief and curiosity stronger

Would love to know what was happening at your end thru’ the last decade...

Edited to add: I was talking to a school friend yesterday and towards the end of a 1 hr long conversation she mentioned how nice it would be to be able to go back to school. I agreed, but only briefly, While I don’t mind reliving my life and going thru’ school life all over again, that was not the best phase of my life. As I thought about it I realized yesterday,today…this phase of my life is what is probably the best. I’m at that place where I’m feeling fairly confident about myself. I know irrespective of what I can do and what I cannot, I am good, I am worth it. I feel like the results don’t matter as long as I give it my best shot! Back in school, I felt like a failure after having scored 76% in class X, that’s what my school could do to you! My PT teacher thought it was funny when she teased me saying “oh Pavi, your growing only horizontally, not vertically.” Li’l did she know how hurt I was. So ya, a new, confident girl has emerged thru the last decade

N so we Begin Another Year…

2010 ended pleasantly with not much drama, not much noise, not much emotions , a sense of satisfaction and positive enrgy unlike the rest of the year. There was also some excitement, good amount of love, some care-freeness and plenty of hope for the following year!

The last 2 weeks of the year we were on a vacation in northern CA ! While on this vacation, we did check off one of the “want-to-visit’ places from our list but technically the vacation was more about meeting n spending time with friends.

Spent quality time with 2 college friends who are now married, another friend who I’ve become so much closer to after moving to the US and is now preggo ! ya ya, I felt the kicks! An ex-colleague who was meeting the hubby for the 1st time. Visited yet another college friend at midnite, no less, while her baby was fast asleep!! N the icing on the cake was bumping into a school friend unexpectedly and of course talking non-stop ! So ya..this trip was all about F.R.I.E.N.D.S !!

What did I think of SF…well it is a fun place, no debating that ! But it didn’t live upto the expectations that everyone had built about it for me! so well….

This year..I feel like writing and so hopefully my blog will see more of me than it did in 2010. I hardly have readers now, but yet I’m motivated to pen, ‘coz I want to be able to look back at what was cooking I n my life at a later point of time.

N on that note…I must get back to work , it’s the 1st working day of the year and I have a very busy day ahead….

So Here is wishing you and your loved ones a Happy, Healthy and Fabulous 2011…one that’s full of laughs, celebrations and excitement!

Festival of lights!

It’s that time of the year! My fav festival is here.. love how we have so many festivals before…leading up to the excitement and then of course Christmas and New Year following up, before we put the festive spirit to rest.
A good 2-3 months of new clothes, yummy food, meeting people, parties and lots more non-stop fun stuff…

This festival of cheer and hope never fails to bring a smile on my face and excitement in my life :)

This year we threw a Diwali party 2 weeks earlier. Everyone loved the décor, food, games and everything. so ya, we had a good time! The coming weekend..we have a Diwali party to attend on Friday, Saturday and Sunday evening. Can’t wait to get dolled up ! How are you guys going to celebrate?

Wish all of you, who yet visit this space a Very Happy Diwali !

I try…..

I try to do things I love, I try to talk nonstop, I try to remain silent, I try reading a book, I try goin on long scenic drives, I try listening to music, I try to get absorbed in endless games of sudoku, I try to crack jokes with my fav people, I try to plan a vacation, I try to day-dream of happy things, I try to sleep, I try to stay awake and think of other things, I try surf the web aimlessly, I try to not write, I try to write, I try to talk about it, I try to not talk about it, I try to let the tears fall down my face, I try to stop thinking, I try to think of nothing, I try to pretend that everything is fine hoping that THAT will actually make things fine

…..All this while dealing with what must be dealt with…

…N yet the heart aches, overcome with sadness.

I begin to realize that mabbe I don’t need to try this hard, that its pretty much impossible to not think about it. None of this is actually going to make anything better or easier….It is what it is.

And in the end…it WILL be fine!

Blah Moment

Warning : I’m in one of those moods.

All the things that have happened makes me wonder how a girl can transform from one who never lost hope inspite of the tears, from one who was so convinced that some relationships are meant to be and so no insult nor rejection could deter her from keeping the faith alive, from one who was patient for about 4 long years..to prove to someone that that friendship was meant to be.

TO

a girl who is so worried of herself being hurt that she just won’t try, a girl who can walk away from a relationship after trying for a mere year n a half, a girl who gets frustrated n worked up that the other person is not realizing that its over and won’t give up holding onto the friendship.

N wats scary n more upsetting is that the 1st time around..this girl was proved right. That friendship has survived all storms n lasted for 10 long years n continues to be precious for the 2 people . Then why won’t she/ shouldn’t she give this other friendship some more time? Why is she not able to bring herself to give it one more shot?

If only life’s questions had simple answers……

A one-sided view about India

PS : I had another post in draft that was going to be my first post for this year that i have been writing bit by bit thru' this week. I was to post it today. But then..I got this fwd this morning...n i couldnt not post it and disucss it here. So before your blood begins to boil Here is wishing each one of you and your near n dear ones a Very Very Happy 2010....One thats full of love, joy and contentment!!

********************
I don't disagree with all that the author has written. NOR DO I AGREE with him. India is some of what he writes..but its lots more as well. The **good** aspects about our country has conveniently been forgotten.

n "India Doesn't care" makes me want to laugh out loud at the author's ignorance!

I got this Fwd with the subject as "An Interesting Read about India". I diagreed and so changed the subject.

Ur thoughts?

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**Reflections on India**

By Sean Paul Kelley


If you are Indian, or of Indian descent, I must preface this post with a
clear warning: you are not going to like what I have to say. My criticisms
may be very hard to stomach. But consider them as the hard words and loving
advice of a good friend. Someone who's being honest with you and wants
nothing from you. These criticisms apply to all of India except Kerala and
the places I didn't visit, except that I have a feeling it applies to all of
India, except as I mentioned before, Kerala.. Lastly, before anyone accuses
me of Western Cultural Imperialism, let me say this: if this is what India
and Indians want, then hey, who am I to tell them differently. Take what you
like and leave the rest. In the end it doesn't really matter, as I get the
sense that Indians, at least many upper class Indians, don't seem to care
and the lower classes just don't know any better, what with Indian culture
being so intense and pervasive on the sub-continent. But here goes,
nonetheless.

India is a mess. It's that simple, but it's also quite complicated. I'll
start with what I think are India's four major problems--the four most
preventing India from becoming a developing nation--and then move to some of
the ancillary ones.

First, pollution. In my opinion the filth, squalor and all around pollution
indicates a marked lack of respect for India by *Indians.* I don't know how
cultural the filth is, but it's really beyond anything I have ever
encountered. At times the smells, trash, refuse and excrement are like a
garbage dump. Right
next door to the Taj Mahal was a pile of trash that smelled so bad,
was so foul as to almost ruin the entire Taj experience. Delhi, Bangalore
and Chennai to a lesser degree were so very polluted as to make me
physically ill. Sinus infections, ear infection, bowels churning was an all
to common experience in India. Dung, be it goat, cow or human fecal matter
was common *on the streets..* In major tourist areas filth was
everywhere, littering
the sidewalks, the
roadways, you name it. Toilets in the middle of the road, men
urinating
and defecating anywhere, in broad daylight. Whole villages are plastic bag
wastelands. Roadsides are choked by it. Air quality that can hardly be
called quality. Far
too much coal and far to few unleaded vehicles on the road. The
measure
should be how dangerous the air is for one's health, not how good it is.
People casually throw trash in the streets, on the roads. The only two
cities that could be considered sanitary in my journey were Trivandrum--the
capital of Kerala--and Calicut. I don't know why this is. But I can assure
you that at some point this pollution will cut into India's productivity, if
it already hasn't. The pollution will hobble India's growth path, if that
indeed is what the country wants. (Which I personally doubt, as India is far
too conservative a country, in the small 'c' sense.)

*More after the jump.*

The second issue, infrastructure, can be divided into four subcategories:
roads, rails and ports and the electrical grid. The electrical grid is a
joke. Load
shedding is all too common, everywhere in India. Wide swaths of the country
spend much of the day without the electricity they actually pay for. With
out regular electricity, productivity, again, falls. The ports are a joke.
Antiquated, out of date, hardly even appropriate for the mechanized world of
container ports, more in line with the days of longshoremen and the like.
Roads are an equal disaster. I only saw one elevated highway that would be
considered decent in Thailand, much less Western Europe or America. And I
covered fully two thirds of the country during my visit. There are so few
dual carriage way roads as to be laughable. There are no traffic laws to
speak of, and if there are, they are rarely obeyed, much less enforced. A
drive that should take an hour takes three. A drive that should take three
takes nine. The buses are at least thirty years
old, if not older. Everyone
in India, or who travels in India raves about the railway system.
Rubbish. It's awful. Now, when I was there in 2003 and then late 2004 it was
decent. But in the last five years the traffic on the rails has grown so
quickly that once again, it is threatening productivity. Waiting in line
just to ask a question now takes thirty minutes. Routes are routinely sold
out three and four days in advance now, leaving travellers stranded with
little option except to take the decrepit and dangerous buses. At least
fifty million people use the trains *a day* in India. 50 million people! Not
surprising that waitlists of 500 or more people are common now. The rails
are affordable and comprehensive but they are overcrowded and what with
budget airlines popping up in India like Sashes in an ashram the middle and
lowers classes are left to deal with the over utilized rails and quality
suffers. No one seems to give a shit. Seriously, I just never have the
impression that the Indian government really cares. Too interested in buying
weapons from Russia, Israel and the US I guess.

The last major problem in India is an old problem and can be divided into
two parts that've been two sides of the same coin since government was
invented: bureaucracy and corruption. It take triplicates to register into a
hotel. To get a SIM card for one's phone is like wading into a jungle of
red-tape and photocopies one is not likely to emerge from in a good mood,
much less satisfied with customer service. Getting train tickets is a
terrible ordeal, first you have to find the train number, which takes 30
minutes, then you have to fill in the form, which is far from easy, then you
have to wait in line to try and make a reservation, which takes 30 minutes
at least and if you made a single mistake on the form back you go to the end
of the queue, or what passes for a queue in India. The government is
notoriously uninterested in the problems of the commoners, too busy fleecing
the rich, or trying to get rich themselves in some way shape or form. Take
the trash for example, civil rubbish collection authorities are too busy
taking kickbacks from the wealthy to keep their areas clean that they don't
have the time, manpower, money or interest in doing their job. Rural
hospitals are perennially understaffed as doctors pocket the fees the
government pays them, never show up at the rural hospitals and practice in
the cities instead.

I could go on for quite some time about my perception of India and its
problems, but in all seriousness, I don't think anyone in India really
cares. And that, to me, is the biggest problem. India is too conservative a
society to want to change in any way. Mumbai, India's financial capital is
about as filthy, polluted and poor as the worst city imaginable in Vietnam,
or Indonesia--and being more polluted than Medan, in Sumatra is no easy
task. The biggest rats I have ever seen were in Medan!

One would expect a certain amount of, yes, I am going to use this word,
backwardness, in a country that hasn't produced so many Nobel Laureates,
nuclear physicists, imminent economists and entrepreneurs. But India has all
these things and what have they brought back to India with them? Nothing.
The rich still have their servants, the lower castes are still there to do
the dirty work and so the country remains in stasis. It's a shame. Indians
and India have many wonderful things to offer the world, but I'm far from
sanguine that India will amount to much in my lifetime..

Now, have at it, call me a cultural imperialist, a spoiled child of the West
and all that. But remember, I've been there. I've done it. And I've seen 50
other countries on this planet and none, not even Ethiopia, have as long and
gargantuan a laundry list of problems as India does. And the bottom line is,
I don't think India really cares. Too complacent and too conservative.

Confusions of the Thinking Mind

Picture this. Year 2009. A couple who live by themselves. The husband, Mr Open Minded , 60 yrs old, closed his own business 5 years back.[He didnt have a choice about it and did what he had to in the give circumstances]. The wife, Ms Independent, 55 yrs , is working at a 9 to 6 job. they have a debt to clear n Ms independent intends on quitting her job once the loan has been taken care of. Mr Open-minded helps around the house. As needed he washes clothes (India style, on a washing stone; not by loading the washing machine!!), sweeps n mops the house, washes the front porch n draws a rangoli etc etc. Ms Independent does her share of house-work, cooking, cleaning dishes etc.

So what is your instant reaction to such a story? Do you want to pat the guy on the back and say New-age man and applaud him for throwing in a helping hand? For being broad-minded enough to agree and live this set-up?

Well.tho not completely, for a while..that was my reaction. I convinced myself that this is development n change n this is what we are heading to. But no more fooling myself,. Something , just something seems to be amiss with the set-up. It doesn’t paint the picture of a happy couple leading a happy life. I’m not sure if the husband should actually be called “Mr Open-minded”. Or the Wife “Ms Independent”. She is more like “Ms supporter” and he “Mr easy-way-out”

For starters I know the Ms Supporter is tired of working @ a 9-6 job. She has been doing this for the last 25 odd years. She needs a break. BUT if a debt must be cleared, then someone has got to work. n if its okay for a guy to work even when he doesn’t want to, why can’t the same hold true for a woman? N its not that Mr Easy-Way-Out has a job opportunity but won’t take it up. He doesn’t have any that are “appropriate”. And India is not yet matured to treat all jobs with the same dignity.

If I don’t feel sorry for a house wife (now known as home maker) who does the home tasks why should I feel sorry for a guy who is at home, who does the same? BUT it’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of a guy drawing a rangoli in front of the house at 6 am! There is something about it that doesn’t look as modern as it sounds.

So much for preaching the equality of men and women! Given my reactions, should I be branded as a hypocrite in this situation? Is it just me who has this kinda reaction? Can my resistance to this scenario be categorized under the “normal” general resistance to change and will I be able to look at the same situation in a positive manner few years down the line when it is more prevalent? Will such a scenario become more prevalent in the coming years?

What if I told you that now, Mr Easy-Way-Out has b’come used to Ms Supporter providing for them and so shows no inclination to contribute to the finances in any manner so that she can retire soon, like she wishes to? Even when Ms Supporter says that she wants to quit..he clearly says/shows his disagreement with the idea and prods her to continue working atleast part-time. That can’t be the right thing to do!?! But if both of them are done working, then what does the family do to provide for themselves?!

Sorry, I’ve raised a zillion questions in this post. But my mind feels very confused. It’s not able to come up with any solution. What do you feel about all this?

It’s the time

Its that time of the year when there is loads n loads of festivals!..Starting Raksha Bandan/Aavani Avittam(the day the men change their sacred thread. Never mind that Mr husband takes it off the very next day..’coz its yet a day of celebration at home) in early August until New Years even in Dec..its celebration time. Time to get dolled up, cook fancy food, throw parties, attend parties and have a blast!

Well, technically this post should have come much earlier i.e in august. I generally look forward to all the festivals and this time more so ‘coz my inlaws were suppose to be here..and I was planning on celebrating all of them very traditionally and making lots of yummy food ‘coz I would be assisting well-experienced hands in the kitchen. But it wasn’t meant to be. The Avani Avittam and Ganesh Chaturthi celebrations were nice…but inlaws left early, just before Janmashatami..and so it was back to just the husband and I for the remaining festivals.

I was bummed about it and thanks to being in low spirits did not celebrate Janmashtami or Dusshera. We did nothing at home. Not even any special food. No special prayers. Nothing. The husband played along. He didn’t complain about the lack of celebration nor did he motivate to actually celebrate.

Now it’s time for Diwali. n since childhood this has remained my fav festival. For the last 2 years that I have been in the US..we have had a Diwali potluck at my place..decorated our home with Diyas and Rangoli, cooked some special food, did puja, wore new traditional clothes etc etc etc. This year coz my mil was suppose to be here..i had decided that we would have a Diwali party at home as usual except that we would do ALL the cooking. Atleast 30 people had come over last year minus the kids.

Thankfully the high spirits have returned and I want to celebrate Diwali nicely. If possible, make up for all the festivals I missed celebrating. Now of course plans had to change. I couldn’t cook for 30 people…but no, I want to cook. N there has been disagreements between the husband and me in that area. I don’t like throwing a party in OUR HOME unless we are on the same page.

As luck would have it…we have to move by the end of the month. We are just moving to the ground floor in the same apartment. N this is being done mostly ‘coz I want to. Thanks to constantly moving for the last 2 years..this year, I couldn’t rest in peace when we recently completed a year in the same home. I have been itching to move and the opportunity has risen and the husband has agreed! I like moving ‘coz it brings about the excitement of setting up a new home and of course it’s a nice excuse to clean and do away with all the unwanted stuff we have collected at home.

N so..we have decided that we will throw a party once we move to our new home and settle down there. I’m looking forward to the move and the party that will follow after.

Meanwhile..I am really xcited about Diwali. I have decided on the menu for the day. I’m yet to choose which sari I’m going to drape, but I’ve picked up some matching jewellery to go with a few saris I have shortlisted. We have chosen the sherwani for the hubby and have been invited to attend a party at a friend’s place in the evening.

Am so looking forward to the coming days! Hope its fun! Yippe!

So, what are your plans for Diwali? And which is your favorite festival?

Sum Of All Fears

They were crawling below the unbderbush. Tired and sweaty. "Come on, Pavi...a few more miles and we are through", Vinod implored. Pavi knew it wasn't true, but after seeing the way Musheer and Vinay were taken down, she did not care for rest. Clutching her gun close to the chest she crawled further, inch by inch.

---
"It wil be fun!", Harish was exclaiming, "You guys have just a day with us and why waste it by sitting at a coffee shop and yapping; which we do anyways over chat and mail!". She could see that Vinod was on his side, he too liked the idea of having a day in the outdoors as he had been cooped up since the time they visited India. She could see the merits but for a reason she could not quite fathom, felt uneasy. She looked at Musheer and Vinay. Vinay was as usual a fence sitter but Musheer, maybe sensing her unease, said "Yeah da! It sounds fun. With the jungle all around and you, i don't know...hanging out sounds like a perfect plan to me! What's wrong with hang..."

"...don't be a girl Mush!" Harish snapped, "You know that all this talk about naxals in the jungle are rubbish...and what do you think I would try? Kill you?"

---

And now he was. Pavi couldn't help but shake the feeling that this was all Harish's plan. For one; he had practically disappeared the moment they hit the resort. And Musheer was shot from the front. The red splattered across his chest was a large blob which meant that he was shot up close, he wouldn't allow someone he didn't know to come that close, right?

"What?" She turned to Vinod, "I didn't hear what you said". "I said, we will take a break once we reach that ridge, but we will have to cross it alone. I will sneak along and give you the signal to come across, alright?"

She nodded, barely able to hide her frustration. She dragged him into this and he had endured for so long without complaining and not even for once had he uttered anything about giving up. A surge of affection welled up inside her for her husband and before she could bring herself to say anything he gave her a look. A look that meant he understood and a that it will be over soon. A feeling, though she did not share, was glad that he did.

---
"You okay, right? Vinod asked, "We can cancel this and stay back in the city if you want" She could see that he was serious and even though he liked the idea of gallivanting through the jungle, he would stay back if she did not feel upto it. "Hmmm...Can we?" She asked teasingly and laughed at the flight of expressions across his face; dismay, concern and; when he realized she was kidding; a wide grin.

"Alright, alright...I get it...I will pay the price for this won't I?"

"We'll see"
---

With a quick kiss and a nod, he slowly began to walk, crouching, towards the ridge. There was an open stretch where for a second he was exposed to anyone watching but he quickly crossed it and leaned on a rock; partially hidden from her. She sighed in relief and for a minute had this optimistic thought that they might yet make it.

He looked over to her and smiled, or so she thought and she smiled back. And realized in horror that there was a shape slowly disengaging itself from the cluster of rocks and was rising behind Vinod. She gave a muted scream and realized thta he hasn't noticed it. The form resolved itself to the familiar, and now loathed, shape of Harish. Vinod realised something was wrong when her piercing scream reached his ears and he turned back with his gun raised, a little too late. She heard the chatter of Harish's rifle and saw the blotches, dark and brooding, appear in front of Vinod's chest.

He was falling and then...it was all a blur...she remember pointing her gun and screaming...running down the slope...body powered by rage and thirst for revenge...staring into Harish's eyes and pressing the trigger...seeing the red blob where his head was...jumping on his flailing body and hitting his helmeted head with her gun...

"Pavi, Pavi...whoa!!! Easy!! It's paintball, not wrestle mania!! You win! You win!"

*********************************************************************************

This space means a lot to me. It belongs to me…ONLY me. Its a space that I have complete control over.Its a space where I can speak w/o having anyone interrupt me. N that I like. There have been times when I have been hooked to it and given it lots of attention by writing many posts[one per week ;every week of the month is MANY in my dictionary!], responding to comments on a daily basis and all of that. n then there have been times when I hvn’t visited it in ages. I’ve just let it be;not done anything with it for several weeks. Frankly, I rarely beat myself up or feel guilty about not updating my blog as often as I should. I’ve always been aware n conscious of its existence. Of the fact that I can come here n write what I want n instantly feel better. n that’s all matters to me. After all its MINE.

All you people who have been reading me for several months now. Thank You very much. I won’t lie that the readers..commenters is one other reason that keeps me coming back to my space. As much as jotting my thoughts down makes me feel good; the fact that someone cares to read what I write makes me feel better.

I can’t remember why I started writing back in Dec 2004.Think it was a fad to own blogs then and then I had friends who wrote very well, n who I loved to read. Thus began this journey. Now its no more the fad..the most important reason why I write is ‘coz I want to be able to look back at my life and my thoughts. It’s about coming back to it several years later. Its about capturing some things in words.

So ya in [close to] 5 years…I finally have my 100th post. THIS is it! N of course the dear dear friend who created this space for me n wrote my first post.. is the obvious choice to write my 100th post. He doesn’t blog as much these days.I really wish he blogged more often.

I hope this space continues to live with me!

Okay..tell me honestly..how many of u all could identify that the “Sum of All Fears” wasn’t authored by me? N how/why? Be honest u guys!

Of Love, Hate n more Intellectual stuff

I read The FountainHead. Again. I enjoyed it. Again. I could appreciate how profound it is. Again.

The 1st time I read the book, I was 19 years old and it was the first of the kind that I was reading. I was graduating from Sidney Sheldons n the likes to authors like Ayn Rand. I developed a different kind of respect for the book and it instantly became a favorite.

The 2nd time I read the book, I’m as impressed as I was the first time, mostly for the same reasons, but yet in a different way. This time I have no silly illusions about living in a world where people like Howard Roark actually exist. I don’t have the slightest dream to live life like him. I accept that, that’s so far from reality. But I do feel saddened that this is all just fiction and can never be reality.

I don’t believe I’ve come across a book that conveys deeper philosophy than this. And definitely not in a more interesting manner than The FountainHead does.I’m not surprised that the book has been in print for more than 25 years.. It is definitely likeable across genders, age groups, cultures and generations The author reminisces that they don’t write such books anymore. She could be right.

In the “Afterword”..It is mentioned that that one of the best things about this book is that it temporarily it allows you to live in Howard Roark’s world. I agree and would like to add..The book makes you imagine and wonder about how well you would fit into that world and what you would do under the circumstances.

Among the many personalities in the book are 3 key personalities, the man that WAS, the man that COULD HAVE BEEN and the man who COULD NEVER BE. I like this classification. It takes so much effort and energy to be a certain personality. No one has it easy..It is tough sometime or the other…At the beginning, thru’ the journey or at the end…for anybody…for everybody.

I could go on n on but you must read the book to be able to appreciate it. I ‘ll end with what remained a question in my head. The book suggests that “one who is not capable of hate is not capable of love”.

I believe that no greater importance can be given to someone than the emotion of hatred. It is finally the person who hates who loses ‘coz hatred results in so much negative energy. N so I don’t hate anyone or anything. Is that why I don’t u’stand what love is?Is that why I don’t know what the word or emotion means?