Feeling the Unsaid…
It is important to express oneself.. Say “I love you” ; Say “I miss you”..It is important to tell friends and family how much they matter to you, how much of a difference they have made to your life. There might be no tomorrow, for you or them..so don’t delay…pick up the phone, or the paper n pen (if ur writing a letter), or write an email and convey ur true feelings ..TODAY..NOW. Don’t be shy to hug. Don’t hesitate to cry. Kiss n Tell. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS…SAY IT ALOUD
As you read this, many of you may be nodding ur head in agreement. Just like me, you have read and heard different versions of this, conveying the same thing in essence; from several people, in several books. N then when we meet people who don’t necessarily feel comfortable in saying how and what they feel..we torment them, and ourselves..asking them and wishing for them to say it aloud.
Is it Fair????
I’m not disagreeing with how important it is to express but we all do u’stand and agree that it is fine for each individual to be different. So there are some people who can’t say it..mabbe they donno how to say it, mabbe they don’t believe in saying it , for whatever reasons ; instead they prefer sitting back n waiting for their actions to speak; for the other person to “FEEL” their love n warmth. Is that so absolutely wrong???
A recent episode has made me realize that someone who HARDLY EVER says “I love u” ( n whenever said..it is said only ‘coz they know that I expect them to) loves me.. a LOOOOOOOOOT .. lot lot more than I could have imagined.. How n why I felt it is kinda personal..n I wont get into details here…but I felt it…n thts wat matters.
n then I felt small, embarrassed n silly..for giving them such a hard time about expressing themselves all these years. About letting all these books and people convince me that expressing oneself is SOOOOOO important! About not making the effort to u’stand that they are different n they let their actions speak for them but expecting them to make the effort to learn to speak their mind. About making life miserable for them and myself..over wat seems sooo trivial now!
Mabbe we well-spoken people should learn how to read minds and experience what they are not able to say to us, instead of preaching to them the importance of expressing their feelings in words. N mabbe we should also learn that people don’t ALWAYS mean what they say. N so mabbe we should start applying the “actions speaker louder than words” proverb in this context.
This realization wouldn’t have come if not for the episode and what followed. Mabbe in a few months, I’ll be back to square one wanting to be told how much I’m cared for and loved (I HOPE NOT!!!)...…n then I will hopefully remember to come back n read this post and remind myself about what a wonderful life I have and what wonderful people (though different from me) are a part of it!
I wish there were books and people telling us that it isn’t all that important to say the three or more precious words, that words aren’t ALL that precious to start with, that there might be some people who will not be able to say it in words and that that’s allright!!! If such books do exist n it’s just me who doesn’t know, please enlighten me! If not..why don’t one of you aspiring authors start with writing about “Feeling the Unsaid…” ?? I will surely buy it!
P.S: No offence to those of u who have written posts about the importance of expressing oneself in words, But I would surely like your thoughts on this post of mine!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
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34 comments:
That was a thoughtful post Pavi. And I guess I agree because I think I belong to the latter category - I just don't know how to convey in words, how I feel about parents/family/friends. That does not mean I care any less - its just that when it comes to such matters, I am not good in expressing myself verbally.
This post gives hope for people like me :)
hmm....this is too complex..but have seen tht if u express ur feelings too much others think its too fake.
wht i believe is tht ACTIONS speak louder than words!!
p.s-thought provoking post..nice:)
Totally agree with you. It is not the words, but actions that matters.
Great post!!
i believe that it's required to convey how u feel... verbally or non-verbally. sometimes the little things that someone does for you mean SO much more than saying i love you.
actions, by themselves, can prove someone's love for you... words MUST be used in conjunction with actions.. only then do they have any meaning...
I belong to the second type - I am not expressive - that doesn't mean I'm not emotional, I have feelings, I hurt easy.. But I simply cannot express myself - on some level I think I'm too scared of being vulnerable. :)
I don't think we've learnt most of the things in life from books, things to do with emoitons...atleast i feel that way. so forget about trying to find any books...and besides, such people (i empahise with the other kind of people u've mentioned here..a lot like i was)..most of the books talk of expressing..coz people who believe in expressing are not media shy..they express n give you those many books...people who don't express are public shy..so guess they keep their views to themselves. and u have heard these sayings.... sometimes silence speaks louder than words...and then action speaks louder than words...just apt in this case! - Karma
:) Nice post !!
Expressions of emotions in words, verbal or written, is like a two faced thing... One - the good side - helps in expressing the feelings one cant convey or show .. Two - the not so good side - helps in disguising or acting that you do feel and care, even if you dont., its a jugulary of words !!
Dont stress your brain too much on this..!
Pavi,
True, we all feel necessity to be reassured that we are wanted. And as you said each one of us has a different way of expressing his or her feeling towards others. So best is not to expect anyone say it to you but carry on with your good relations and assuring those who you feel may need it.
Take care
I am telling ya.. "it isn’t all that important to say the three or more precious words"!! As long as I get my gifts.. I couldn't care less :P
you know i have written once about importance of expressing yourself, because i feel it is right... life is short and it is good to let our loved ones that we care... even if they know, its good for them to hear that..
but on the other hand it is very individual, depends on situation, everyone should decide for themselves if they should express their feelings. If someone does not, they have their reasons... so maybe its better let things as they are giving them time and choice.. to express or not to..
The Colors Magazine
Hi pavi,
Unless you share the specific circumstances that made you realise that it is not important to express your love, I wouldn't be able to comment on it.
I can go on and on about instances where people felt they should be understood even when they make no effort to express themselves, but show it (for example a wife may think that getting up every single day at 5.30.a.m and making coffee and breakfast for her husband is her way of expressing her love--he should understand that she does it because she loves him BUT all that he may really want is a smile on her face and a cuddle from her, not that darned coffee. The wife may be thinking that she is showing her love--but husband may not be thinking that) This is just one small example.
Each case is different.
I don't think same thumb rule can be applied to all. It depends on person to person.
And in the end I feel it just depends on whether you are in SYNC with that person or not.
Cheers
Preeti
@kiran : Thank You. ya i think i've begun to u'stand the like of u.
n i think ppl who are near n dear to u should read this post or agree with this post...for u to benefit from it :)
@Broca: ya relps and feeling was never a simple subject. n i know one more person who thinks that ppl who express a lot could be faking it or (un)intentionally not meaning wat they are saying!
@Karthik : Thank You!
@RayRay : Words are explicit and obvious to the unobserving eye too!whereas most times the non-verbal is not explicit enuf and so requires a deeper understanding and reading into things..
@Galadriel : Just to u'stand...u feel vulnerable 'coz u care n yet cant say it aloud and so are often misunderstood?
@karma : ur rite, ppl don't necessarily learn to emote from books..but these days wat we read has a pretty high influence on us and our lifestyles.. Def nto all of us, but many of us...
n i really think off late i've heard /read @ tooooo many places abt expressing oneself that i had started to think tht thts the only way of life!
I like ur reasoning for why there may be no books of the kind im looking for..its VERY logical!
@mush : thank You. My post talks abt not expressing, understanding silence...not the pros n cons of expressing.. Get wat i mean?
n stress?? well, now is when im more relaxed!
@Jack..Ys the saying "expectations is the mother of all u-know-wat" is soooo true!
@Preeti : n with this i agree..wholehartedly ;) :D
@lena: yup! the motto should be to Let pl be who and what they want to be!
n thanks ur the only one to say tht u wrote abt the importance of expression.
@PS : ya, u said it rite when u say that each person is different..
So there are some ppl who are not capable/ comfortable with saying it in words..why corner them n insist on them practicing sumthing that we are able to do, saying it in words???
I feel irrespective of the incident, one should actively look out for such things n "feel" the love instead of waiting for it to be said. Yes "No Effort" is defnetly not done..but In the eg u gave too, the wife is putting in some form of effort, its just not wat the husband wants of her...i think the husband shld u'stand that this is the wife's way of showing love and try to convey to her that though he appreciates her effort wat he really wants is a hug n smile..rather than complaining about not gettin love in the form that is obvious to him!
Communication n understanding helps in being in-sync with each other...n yes..each individual's case is different!
Pls note that i don't mean any offence..but just intend to have a healthy debate over sumthing i strongly blv in.
I feel communication is key - verbal or non-verbal. Its a matter of preference. Introverts choose to communicate mostly in a non-verbal fashion....my husband is one such person. I am an extrovert - so in this case we are opposites.
What is important for both of us to understand...is what is our love language. If it is VERY important for me that my husband shows his love and affection in a verbal manner, he has to do it (maybe not all the time but sometimes)....and the same way, I need to understand his non-verbal gestures in a better way....like u said, look for the deeper meaning behind his actions.
So both need to adjust and come to a middle ground....
However, from my experience, what I have found is - most misunderstandings arise because of what is unsaid....coz there are assumptions with the unsaid....most of my conflicts with my husband are because of lack of communication....and so I would say that's not good....you HAVE to speak up when its important enough to express verbally so that you don't leave any room for doubt....
Good topic for discussion and good post!
In the example i have what if the wife is doing it with a grumpy face? And then keeps bringing it up as "I do this for you" and "I do this for you". BTW this is a real life story. The couple has broken up and have gone their separate ways.
Cheers
preeti
there is something called unspoken communication too which both have to be sensitive to pick up on...and it is good to SHOW how you feel even if you cannot verbalize it...
i have a friend who kept wishing that her husband was more demonstrative...she kept wanting more from him...and then she got typhoid and he took leave and managed the whole house/kids...in a nutshell, she realized something very important...
thoughtful
u know there r people with whom m not able to express much and people with whom i can...
so it depends, but i believe that one can feel emotions even if smone doesnt speak abt them..
tc
Ah, seems lot of thinking :)
Yes, it differs for every individual. But I feel its always not necessary to express n words.. Actions speak for oneself. Mere words doesnt really convey the true feeling all the time.
However once in a while expression in the form of words is always nice
Mmmm,sometimes we got so caught up in life...need to slow down to smell the roses and be with loved ones! TQ
For a person to understand that he/she is loved by another is a rather hard task, don't you think? It can all get so misunderstood. I don't force my loved ones to say 'i love you' but its always better if they demonstrate it.. a word of appreciation, a hug, a nice gesture in return.
I like you blog. Will be back for more.
well I am not sure what he did that made you realize he loves you..
...
women and their secrets.
Anyway,
there can't be a book about "feeling the unsaid". Every body is different in some sense. Whats a kind loving action for one may be just an every day habit for the other.
I am one of the speakers..I say those thrree words out loud almost every day..and I mean them too. But I rarely hear anything in return. It does bug me sometimes, even to this day..but then, little things that she does, sending me a surprise picture of her, leaving a message on my phone or email so I read it as soon as I wake up in the morning...
it just shows that I am appreciated.
You just have to learn to read the signs yourself. And at some point, communicate. If they don't talk back, then at least they will know what you like.
...
Uh, never mind. I just realized that at this point I am the last person who should be giving advice on this topic.
I guess the best way is to just talk. Its definitely not important to say each and every detail out...but even to the most shy people, it won't kill them to whisper a "I love you" in your lover's ear every once in a while.
Basically its a two way street. You have to understand they they are uncomfortable speaking it out, and they have to realize too that you like hearing it from time to time, regardless of their actions.
Sound is one of the five senses after all. You must appeal to all five to be in love.
look in their eyes, smell their perfume(or cologne for guys), touch their cheeks, taste their lips..and hear them say "I love you".
@Shachi : meeting on the middle grounds sounds perfect..n thts wat one shld try to achieve.
n yes..the unsaid causes lot of miscommunicaton..lekin some ppl just cant express u know. its not they they dont want to...they jus cant.
n all these things we read just make us blv that if its not said its the biggest error n we end up making our lives more difficult believing in that.
@ps: The wife cribbin about "doing" stuff is wrong too..guess there was miscommunication more than "NO communication" in that marriage..mabbe either parties wouldnt walk twrds the middle path?
@suma: ya,sumtimes thts all it takes to realize sumthing!
@D-gypsy : ya...but not all people can feel it u know. there-in is the problem.
@cmchap: ohh! this is not the 1st time im being acussed of too much thinking :)
@pete: Welcome to my space!
@meira: ya it aint easy to "figure-out" the love..but is there anything easy about love n relationships?
thanks..i'll try to write more!
@HD: n how are u so darned sure im talking about my "HE" huh???
n ahh! someone was in some mood when commenting on this post :)
welcome to my space!
well because you wrote..
"A recent episode has made me realize that someone who HARDLY EVER says “I love u” ( n whenever said..it is said only ‘coz they know that I expect them to) loves me."
made you realize that the person who hardly says "i love you" loves you...
kinda makes people think you are talking about yourself. Either that or my english teacher has screwed me up. :P
Hey,
First time trespasser here...
Lovely post, in fact I couldn't agree more!
I am almost surrounded by people who stick to 'their own ways' of expressing love, including my parents.
I think it makes a relationship even more interesting to endure and put the pieces of the puzzle together, its definitely more rewarding!
I have blogged about one incident happened to me here! See if you like it ;)
Oooops its actually here
I am used to making a total idiot of myself at times!
Sorry :|
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