PAIN….

Late Friday night, early Saturday morning, as I was heading to bed…I checked FB on my phone one more time and saw the millionth post of a parent hugging their child tighter that evening. I locked my phone with a bit of irritation and with the word” seriously?!”  in my head fell tight asleep.

 Saturday morning I woke up with a sudden “OMG! Am I jealous?. Is that why I am reacting that way?!” thought. Honest.

N so, when I learnt about to the CT shooting on Friday afternoon my 1^st reaction was sadness and anger. My delivery manager saw me and asked me if everything was allright… and I told him, it was the shooting that upset me and how mad I was at the guy who had the heart to take away the lives of so many innocent children and ranted about how this is a repeated occurrence in the United States and we have to take some stand on gun control. The evening was fine, with some discussion about it on n off.  

But Saturday was when I got thinking more about the CT shooting. About the parents who would have struggled to sleep that night .About how they would have never thought that that morning was the last time they kissed their baby to school.  About how they must be regretting getting mad at their child for spilt b’fast that Friday morning .  About their beautiful Christmas tree on which they would have hung their child’s favorite ornament, which now would mean nothing.  The Christmas tree probably looks ugly to them now. Brings them sad memories. About the future they had dreamt of for their li’l one.  About the children who have to go back to that school. About the parents who have to be willing to send their children to school. How hard it must be for them to wake up on Saturday morning, of course…only if they got any sleep on Friday night.

Those of you who have read me long enough, probably know that I am a person with theories. I survive life based on my belief in theories like ‘Everything Happens for the best!” and “Everything has a rhyme n reason to it”. Why , even my comeback post was about that. But now, I laugh at my theories. How can anything related to the CT shooting be for the best? I dare not try and tell a parent who has lost a child that it’s for the best. I’ve seen some people holding onto their faith system and belief that God knows what he is doing.  I am jealous of these people… coz, I want to ask God, what the hec this is about?! What on earth was he thinking? How could those innocent lives have deserved that? How can any parent be inflicted with such pain?

N then I think…. Is it better to have or not to have?  Isn’t it tougher to cope with the loss of a child after having one rather than never having a child? Isn’t it tougher to be a mother of a child who takes innocent lives than not be a mother at all?

When the dark knight theatre shooting incident happened, and I saw the culprit, on news, all of 20 yrs I think..I felt sad for him. I wondered what must have happened in his life to make him do this. Surely, it was a psychotic moment. He was a patient, who no one realized needed help.

 And I feel the same about this kid. Someone who desperately needed help and had no clue what he was doing. He killed his mother. The woman, in all probability did her best to shield him from hatred and violence and pain. What went wrong? Where?

The more I think about this, the more questions I have in my mind. It seems impossible to make sense of any of this. So for now, I’m doing the easiest thing that one can do. Be cross at the almighty for letting this happen. For the inexplicable PAIN that so many of us are feeling. And then I find myself praying to him, to never make a mother or child go thru’ this. Never again.