Striking the Balance
Most women struggle to strike the balance between their career and family. I do! I want to be successful in my career and be a good home-maker!
But this post is not about the typical balance that married women must strike. Work at office during the day, cook 3 meals, manager their babies and blah blah blah… This could be topic for another post…
This post is about husbands’ n wives who work in different cities. It’s about long-distance relationships – between spouses, between parent’s n children. Below are some real-life examples of couples I know
-> India: This was a love marriage and they are a wonderful couple. They met at the call Center they both worked for. After marriage the guy got a better job in city “x” in India and the girl continues to work in City “y”. They visit each other over weekends. They celebrated their 2nd wedding anniversary, and their lifestyle continues to be the same.
-> India: They were married for about a year. He got a job in Country “X”. She was pregnant. Had their baby at her mother’s place in city “Y”. Has returned to her job in City “Z” and visits the baby over weekends.Mom, Dad n child - each in a different place.
-> USA: She is pregnant and works in state “x”. Her husband works in state “y”. She has spent a lot on her education in the US and is trying to earn back some amount!She was so gullible, I couldn’t help feel sorry for her.
-> USA: She works in state “x”. Her husband and son are at state “y”. Her 2 or 3 yr old daughter is in India. She visits her husband and son alternate weekends. They have a EAD.
I know for sure, none of these couples feel good about this situation in their lives.
Is it worth it? …I don't think so.
This is just what I feel, and am not judging any1, coz i u'stand each family knows why they make the decisions that they do. But the way I look at thier situations is :
-> If you have to work in a call center in India I’m sure both of you can find a job in the same city.
-> Are you not spending all the money you earn on travel, 2 rents, phone calls etc?
-> Many Indians say people in US do it, why can’t we? Well, the Indians in USA do it coz of work permit issues. It’s not so easy here for both spouses to find a job in the same city. Is there a valid reason to be doing so in India?
-> When I’M pregnant, I want to be pampered. Have my husband by my side. It’s something every woman deserves!
-> My baby will grow up with his/her ma AND pa
My situation
I came to the US 6 months after I got married. During this 6 months, We had 3 months of long-distance relationship. (Me in India, He in USA) Once I came here(half the battle fought), I used to travel (out of the state) on work every Monday morning and return on Thrusday nights. Then for a brief period when I seemed to have got a long-term project, We moved to a different city and I worked from 8 to 5 .Vinod worked from home and traveled on work, week-by-week basis. But that was not meant to be, my project got over. My next project I traveled 3 hrs one way on work. N now We both work from home. I travel on work once in 1 or 2 months and Vinod travels once in 2 weeks.
It’s definitely not a fun/easy thing, but things have improved since the last 1 year. I find it hard to decide if its worth it ..’coz I don’t want to sit at home, I want to work. But I want a home as well. Is it too much to ask for? I will continue to do this as long as I can and then give up, when some other things will take higher priority in our lives.
Monday, March 10, 2008
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27 comments:
what you just mentioned is a new era of relationship formulae that have creeped up in society because of the technical revolution - we all are in this phase of readjustment and reassesing our situations - some have stuck on some have faltered.....
internet and online communities have opened up avenues to keep in touch with friends but at the same time has empowered people to seek relationships beyond their known surroundings.....again a change that will take time to settle into our mindset.....
all we can do is wait and watch and be these guinea pigs....
you've been tagged
interesting post...
**..’coz I don’t want to sit at home, I want to work. But I want a home as well
u can hv em both..if u hv the will.
HUGS!
Keshi.
arrived to your blog thru ceedy and viola, am welcomes with an interesting post. i was thinking to post a similar one but ur post expresses the point better.
ur post briefs abt the situations but y don't u post ur feelings in these situations? anyways, happy blogging.
@ Ceedy : u say "we all are in this phase of readjustment "
I say we are in that phase when noone wants to adjust!everyone wants the best!Everyone thinks more about thier own-self. Is that wrong? Hell, No!
The generation in which our parents belonged to : Family and relationships seemed to matter more, 'coz of which I grew up in a home where every evening there was ma and pa. That i believe is amazing!
But there is a thin line on which one needs to strike the balance.n everyone is struggling to walk on that thin line.
Eg: I have heard many a new mother complain about why their baby needs to goto child care when its 3-6 mths old :
- If i leave my job for 2 yrs and come back, my knowledge will be outdated and i would have lost the rat-race.
- We need 2 people's income to sustain 3 people
I don't have a solution for the mommies and I'm scared to think i will be in that situation some day!
@ Aneri : woaaahh..so i cldnt stay of the random/weird things tag.. well,will take it up but have to think a lot over it!
@keshi : Well dear more than just the will is required to tackle this issue
@Carolinagal : will take up the tag soon! N now i get wat ur name stands for, read the comment on another person's blog :-)
@Satish : Thanks for visiting.I guess I was not clear enuf, but i have posted my opinion rgdg these situations.Not case by case but at a higher level.
Definately - I agree coming home to Ma and Pa was the greatest of feeling.....
I think you have a valid point - and since there are no answers or solutions - at this current time we are in a flux - thus the readjustment in broarder terms....
about everyone wanting the best - this is not a new phenonmenon - is it - i think whatever our parents could do best they did - but the opportunities to seek that are new and widely spread - and this has led to the issues that you so rightly mentioned in your post....
so called older rules of family life might become obsolete - we who have seen the older style and now are struglling with this new one - are thus in between - but say a child born maybe 10 years from now - will not ever know what it means to see two parents at Home - for him that could be a problem of answering to two....
thanks to you we can have this conv.
u know pavi, i think i understand what u're saying. i have work permit issues here in the US... and not being from IT, it's rather difficult to find a job... so i'm not working.
i did get bored of all this and waltzed off to dubai on a project... for 4 months. it was then, that i realized that i would rather be home and unemployed than stay away and have a job.
for me, personally, it wasn't worth it. of course, i don't judge... coz to each their own... but i cannot manage a long distance r'ship.
My original thought to this was...I wish we could just go back to the old way of doing things. Then reading the interesting dialog between you and ceedy, I feel I should not be such an escapist. We all will have to and should adjust and do what's best for us given the changing scene of family and society. It scares me, but its good that people have sources/forums like these to hash things out and make sense of the chaos.
524537081
Very true. But the solution is very simple, its only that we fail to understand simple things.
We Just need to find out one thing. The purpose of our lives. What are we living for, working for ?
*Job satisfaction/career/interests of current field - some of us who live for this become workaholics, but we forget we can pursue what we need without seperation from family or loved ones. We just have to think of workarounds
*Status/Fame/Name - Are these worth
sacrificing our family and loved ones? Even those who say yes, feel the loneliness pinch them even though the world knows them.
*Money - Whom are we earning for?
*Family and loved ones - This is what all of us wanna live for.. somewhere deep down this is what everyone wants, happiness, togetherness, peace of mind.
Whats the use spending years away from the people we love and who love us, from our family and friends, achieving some status for ourself, and once done, we yearn to be back with those dear ones. What we don realise is we have lost years of being together with the people we want. We never know how long we live. We can never be 100% sure We'll ever be able to see that person again. Life is uncertain. We never know what may happen the next second.
Just an opinion :)
@ Ceedy : Thats a valid point. A child born 10 yrs from now, won't feel the confusion/pain some of us are going thru'.we may feel this life is better but they won't.
Rgdg everyone wanting the best not being a new phenomenon,Ur right. But our priorities are so different from what our parents' priorities used to be. Some of the changes are positive but some are negative. We as a generation are surely far more self-centered.
@Rayshma : Right On! thanks for commenting on this post. I was looking fwd to responses from the kind like u...who have been there n done that!n i think its best that u tried both options n decided which one was the better one for u. That ensures that ur not in doubt or don't regret.
n yes i u'sand the pain of not being in an IT field. Have a few friends in those boots n its unfair! BTW ur a MICA studient?
@Aneri : I agree!
@ Mush :Well, it seems simple isn't it?But its not really. Its alwez hard to choose n prioritize between 2 ppl's (husband n wife)job satisfaction, money and family. Many times happiness, peace of mind etc is dependent on the other factors.In a ideal world it would be exclusive, but we live in a world far different from the ideal one!Some things are way more easily said than done in real life.
Well the thought of being self centered is Right...but look at the circumstances that we have imbibed - the most pertinent I feel (just a tot) is "MY COMPUTER" - something within the last tens years has isolated the people - WE are expected to do everything on our own - and the interactions are on how to get things done rather than WHAT TO DO - again it has its positive and negative....and this is but fascinating times....if you read the philosophy of Renaissance Era -we are somewhat in that phase - Technological Renaissance.....
yeah... am a MICAn... was thr from 2k-2k2... y d'u ask?
the whole reason y i gave the dubai-stint a shot was to understand better what i wanted. i knew if i hadn't gone for it, someday down the line i may have regretted it... and that's something i don't do. best way to be sure was to go for it!
Your post title says it all .. its all about striking the balance.
The bottom line is that we all want the best we can manage to get and still stay within the boundaries we have set.
I don't know Pavi. I am not in that situation and cannot fathom being in that situation. Long distance relationships are hard but not impossible. But a marriage is supposed to be about companionship and so I wonder how much companionships is available in a long-distance marriage. However, I understand that people may have their own needs that they have to fulfil such as work permit issues, ambition, etc. Each to his own, I guess. As long as they are making it work and are happy, who are we to say anything? I only hope and pray that I am not in that situation, ever. And if I am, I am not sure if I will be able to leave my job and sit at home so that I am with my husband during the evenings, when he returns home. However, if a child is in the picture, I will most definitely make that sacrifice and give the child an intact unit to grow up in.
I'll be back for this. Requires a bit of thinkin :)
thoughtful post, wud comment in detail
So true !!
This is exactly what I feel...
But pata hai, for me I think my family will take a priority if I all in a situation where I'll have to choose.
Long distance realtionships before marriage is ok, doable..but post-marriage ?
Toh bhaiya shaadi ki q ? For me the whole concept of a marriage is being together, for better or for worse...
I may sound ancient, but thats the way i am. Aur btw, I've already decided, gonna be a full time mommy for quite sometime, when I have a baby...prob'ly until i get bored of it all...lol !!
You're lucky. Everyone doesnt get a chance to work from home.
Loved reading this post.
Take care.
Im so like Cinderella! To me family is VERY IMP. Cos I hv seen some families falling apart cos of a woman's (mother's) career. I dun want that to happen to my family some day...if I have kids some day, I'd be a full-time mum. Yes I'd sacrifice my career for the wellbeing of my kids.
Keshi.
Good post Pavi.
However, I'm not sure how I feel about this, because I have not been in this situation. I think that if these families are happy with the situations that they are in, who are we to judge? These people made these choices themselves, so I feel that they must have realized that to be the best option at that time. I'm sure they all hope that things will get better some day. I just hope I will never be in such a situation ever!!
@Rayshma : Very true. No point being in doubt.
@Cosmic : Agreed(again!)
@solitare & Carolinagal: Yes Dear, i too hope n pray that no one gets into that situation. Isn't it sad that only we women are faced with such dilemas n choices in life?
@Mez n Ashu : Will wait to hear frm u both :-)
@Cindrella : No u don't sound ancient. U sound like pretty much every other woman on this planet.Sumhow most of us feel that way about family and specifically our child!
Yes, am lucky!Touchwood!But it doesnt come without going thru' some pain and lots of patience!
@Keshi: I'm on the same page as u.!
A lot to say but lazy to type :P
http://www.ibnlive.com/blogs/author/223/sagarikaghose.html
Thtz Rajdeep's wife.
O y did the url get cut :O
Long distance relationships are tough. Is it worth it? Depends on your priorities at the moment.
Speaking for myself, I am pursuing my career ambitions now because I can afford to be away from my loved ones. No ones life depends on me right now and I am sure they will not like it if I whine about my unfulfilled dreams. In future, I will probably be happier with just any job to be near them. Priorities change with time.
@mez : She is so pretty! Can’t decide if that makes me happy or sad! I donno if I’m happy or sad to have known that Rajdeep sardesai is married and then to have seen his pretty wife’s picture! I’m confused :(
@P : Thanks for visiting. Long distance relationships are tough..but they can make or break a relationship. if u know wat I mean.It really helps in the growth of a r’ship and in making 2 people realize how much they need each other. I have seen many couples who are together all the time, take each other for granted.
And its true that Priorities change with time and I feel that’s they way it should be!
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