Sum Of All Fears

They were crawling below the unbderbush. Tired and sweaty. "Come on, Pavi...a few more miles and we are through", Vinod implored. Pavi knew it wasn't true, but after seeing the way Musheer and Vinay were taken down, she did not care for rest. Clutching her gun close to the chest she crawled further, inch by inch.

---
"It wil be fun!", Harish was exclaiming, "You guys have just a day with us and why waste it by sitting at a coffee shop and yapping; which we do anyways over chat and mail!". She could see that Vinod was on his side, he too liked the idea of having a day in the outdoors as he had been cooped up since the time they visited India. She could see the merits but for a reason she could not quite fathom, felt uneasy. She looked at Musheer and Vinay. Vinay was as usual a fence sitter but Musheer, maybe sensing her unease, said "Yeah da! It sounds fun. With the jungle all around and you, i don't know...hanging out sounds like a perfect plan to me! What's wrong with hang..."

"...don't be a girl Mush!" Harish snapped, "You know that all this talk about naxals in the jungle are rubbish...and what do you think I would try? Kill you?"

---

And now he was. Pavi couldn't help but shake the feeling that this was all Harish's plan. For one; he had practically disappeared the moment they hit the resort. And Musheer was shot from the front. The red splattered across his chest was a large blob which meant that he was shot up close, he wouldn't allow someone he didn't know to come that close, right?

"What?" She turned to Vinod, "I didn't hear what you said". "I said, we will take a break once we reach that ridge, but we will have to cross it alone. I will sneak along and give you the signal to come across, alright?"

She nodded, barely able to hide her frustration. She dragged him into this and he had endured for so long without complaining and not even for once had he uttered anything about giving up. A surge of affection welled up inside her for her husband and before she could bring herself to say anything he gave her a look. A look that meant he understood and a that it will be over soon. A feeling, though she did not share, was glad that he did.

---
"You okay, right? Vinod asked, "We can cancel this and stay back in the city if you want" She could see that he was serious and even though he liked the idea of gallivanting through the jungle, he would stay back if she did not feel upto it. "Hmmm...Can we?" She asked teasingly and laughed at the flight of expressions across his face; dismay, concern and; when he realized she was kidding; a wide grin.

"Alright, alright...I get it...I will pay the price for this won't I?"

"We'll see"
---

With a quick kiss and a nod, he slowly began to walk, crouching, towards the ridge. There was an open stretch where for a second he was exposed to anyone watching but he quickly crossed it and leaned on a rock; partially hidden from her. She sighed in relief and for a minute had this optimistic thought that they might yet make it.

He looked over to her and smiled, or so she thought and she smiled back. And realized in horror that there was a shape slowly disengaging itself from the cluster of rocks and was rising behind Vinod. She gave a muted scream and realized thta he hasn't noticed it. The form resolved itself to the familiar, and now loathed, shape of Harish. Vinod realised something was wrong when her piercing scream reached his ears and he turned back with his gun raised, a little too late. She heard the chatter of Harish's rifle and saw the blotches, dark and brooding, appear in front of Vinod's chest.

He was falling and then...it was all a blur...she remember pointing her gun and screaming...running down the slope...body powered by rage and thirst for revenge...staring into Harish's eyes and pressing the trigger...seeing the red blob where his head was...jumping on his flailing body and hitting his helmeted head with her gun...

"Pavi, Pavi...whoa!!! Easy!! It's paintball, not wrestle mania!! You win! You win!"

*********************************************************************************

This space means a lot to me. It belongs to me…ONLY me. Its a space that I have complete control over.Its a space where I can speak w/o having anyone interrupt me. N that I like. There have been times when I have been hooked to it and given it lots of attention by writing many posts[one per week ;every week of the month is MANY in my dictionary!], responding to comments on a daily basis and all of that. n then there have been times when I hvn’t visited it in ages. I’ve just let it be;not done anything with it for several weeks. Frankly, I rarely beat myself up or feel guilty about not updating my blog as often as I should. I’ve always been aware n conscious of its existence. Of the fact that I can come here n write what I want n instantly feel better. n that’s all matters to me. After all its MINE.

All you people who have been reading me for several months now. Thank You very much. I won’t lie that the readers..commenters is one other reason that keeps me coming back to my space. As much as jotting my thoughts down makes me feel good; the fact that someone cares to read what I write makes me feel better.

I can’t remember why I started writing back in Dec 2004.Think it was a fad to own blogs then and then I had friends who wrote very well, n who I loved to read. Thus began this journey. Now its no more the fad..the most important reason why I write is ‘coz I want to be able to look back at my life and my thoughts. It’s about coming back to it several years later. Its about capturing some things in words.

So ya in [close to] 5 years…I finally have my 100th post. THIS is it! N of course the dear dear friend who created this space for me n wrote my first post.. is the obvious choice to write my 100th post. He doesn’t blog as much these days.I really wish he blogged more often.

I hope this space continues to live with me!

Okay..tell me honestly..how many of u all could identify that the “Sum of All Fears” wasn’t authored by me? N how/why? Be honest u guys!

Of Love, Hate n more Intellectual stuff

I read The FountainHead. Again. I enjoyed it. Again. I could appreciate how profound it is. Again.

The 1st time I read the book, I was 19 years old and it was the first of the kind that I was reading. I was graduating from Sidney Sheldons n the likes to authors like Ayn Rand. I developed a different kind of respect for the book and it instantly became a favorite.

The 2nd time I read the book, I’m as impressed as I was the first time, mostly for the same reasons, but yet in a different way. This time I have no silly illusions about living in a world where people like Howard Roark actually exist. I don’t have the slightest dream to live life like him. I accept that, that’s so far from reality. But I do feel saddened that this is all just fiction and can never be reality.

I don’t believe I’ve come across a book that conveys deeper philosophy than this. And definitely not in a more interesting manner than The FountainHead does.I’m not surprised that the book has been in print for more than 25 years.. It is definitely likeable across genders, age groups, cultures and generations The author reminisces that they don’t write such books anymore. She could be right.

In the “Afterword”..It is mentioned that that one of the best things about this book is that it temporarily it allows you to live in Howard Roark’s world. I agree and would like to add..The book makes you imagine and wonder about how well you would fit into that world and what you would do under the circumstances.

Among the many personalities in the book are 3 key personalities, the man that WAS, the man that COULD HAVE BEEN and the man who COULD NEVER BE. I like this classification. It takes so much effort and energy to be a certain personality. No one has it easy..It is tough sometime or the other…At the beginning, thru’ the journey or at the end…for anybody…for everybody.

I could go on n on but you must read the book to be able to appreciate it. I ‘ll end with what remained a question in my head. The book suggests that “one who is not capable of hate is not capable of love”.

I believe that no greater importance can be given to someone than the emotion of hatred. It is finally the person who hates who loses ‘coz hatred results in so much negative energy. N so I don’t hate anyone or anything. Is that why I don’t u’stand what love is?Is that why I don’t know what the word or emotion means?

Me Thinks…

- Its offensive that ppl respond to selected comments on their posts and don’t even bother with acknowledging the other comments.
- A certain person has blocked me on gtalk, though they keep sending me emails saying “oh!how I wish I can get online when u come online. We MUST catch up” . Yeah Rite! Why the effort to pretend I wonder!
- The gossipy neighbor who said “that girl must have committed some sin in her past, that’s why she has a mother like B” is SO out of her mind! N may I add THAT girl is 2 yrs old!!!
- Most times it’s the company that matters and not so much the place
- This world won’t let anyone who chooses a different/ out of “normal” path for their life...to live peacefully. The world doesn’t u’stand that many times it’s not necessarily a ‘chosen’ path. They don’t u’stand its really NOT their business to opine about it!
- Its unfair when one is okay with spending a huge amount simply ‘coz it’s not their money that is being spent.
- Its hard to make good lifelong friends as one grows older
- EVERYONE has an element of selfishness in them and that’s not a bad thing
- Making one u’stand that Religion and God are 2 completely different subjects is a mammoth of a task.
- Job Security is such a far-away dream
- One’s got to be so damn heartless to give family politics more importance than seeing a newborn
- A parent who is a friend to their child is not necessarily a good parent. A friend and a parent, each is a separate role and have separate responsibilities.
- Pen friends are GREAT! A blogger and I have come so far in our friendship without having ever met each other. We can’t imagine a day without mailing/texting each other. We don’t even crave to meet. We are happy with things the way they are. Touchwood!
- That I have a wonderful husband though it’s hard to explain how n why. Touchwood again!

Celebrating Srishti and Sibling love!

This post has been on my mind for several days. I’m not sure why xactly I didn’t write it down..i didn’t know how to start, I didn’t know how to end, I didn’t know what to write in between.. All I knew that I was happy…very happy that my sister had a baby girl on the 17th of July. The baby girl we waited for so desperately.

When I knew she was expecting a baby..I declared how happy I was that now I will have to write letters to 2 li'l angels. I told her that I secretly hoped it would be a girl so I can buy her all the junk jewellery! N then we waited until D-day with baited` breath.

I also knew that I was very upset over not being able to be there physically, to celebrate the joy with them. To not be able to hold the bundle of joy “carefully”. To not look into her eyes n wonder what she’s thinking, to not wait for the time when she would open her eyes n look at me n thereafter declare that she approves of me n adores me n so is why she looked at me, to not get upset about the fact that she doesn’t jump with glee when I return from work…
All of this I did with her 1st child..Rishab, 31/2 yrs back.

I remember calling Rishab my li’l angel…n boy has he proved me wrong! One tiny brat he is..mite as well have christened “Trouble”.The boy is so naughty n uber cute n hes being a very loving brother (so far). Touchwood!

Srishti G Chari feels like a li’l angel too. N I secretly hope that she proves me wrong as well [tho my sister will kill me for this]

I hear from everyone that she is a very good girl. Doesn’t cry much. Sleeps for most of the day.

N the li’l darling..i think she forgives me for not being able to be with her physically. Tho she slept for the initial few mins..she did slowly open her eyes and stare at me on the webcam. She even yawned her baby-yawn for me. She does approve of me n love me! Boy! Did she make my day or what!

N while I hurt ‘coz all of family n friends collected in my house to celebrate the birth of Srishti ..it took a 3 1/2 yr old to make me feel better . This is how the conversation went :

Me : Hi rishu! How are u?

R:Fine chitti. Ni eppdi irrika?chittappa eppadi irrika?(How are you n uncle?)

Me; Fine kanna. Papa eppadi irrika?(how is the baby?)

R: Cute chitti. Aana kan tharakve matandra. Amma’v kuda avlo pakamatandra. En kuda veliyadmatandra. Thungide irika (she is cute. But she doesn’t open her eyes. Not even to see mom.She doesn’t play with me. She just keeps sleeping)

N so I told myself…I shldnt feel too bad abt not being there now. After all she wouldn’t even know that I visited her. Hopefully I can see her in a year, when she would have b’com Trouble2 n will have everyone on their toes.

Rite now shez just a bubble of joy. Completing my sister’s family. N so far Rishab is being a wonderful brother. He wants to take care of his li’l sister. Hug his sister. Play with her. Teach her rhymes.n was thrilled to have her tie rakhi for him

Therz a picture of them sitting on the swing in our balcony. She is on Rishab’s lap n he is holding onto her tightly. Shez looking up into his eyes..n he down at her. Both of them so oblivious of the fact that there is a camera trying to capture the moment. Both of them so in awe of each other. :)
[Before u get worried, there is a pair of adult’s hands holding onto Srishti..but that I’m hoping, can be chopped off from the picture]

So while Srishti is a cutie-pie herself..i’m sure a lot of her life will shape up the way it does ‘coz of her brother. I hope they both love each other endlessly..just like how my sis n I did. For a very long time I didn’t care for an identity separate from my sister’s. I loved(n yet do) being known as her li’l sister , n without even trying, in that manner, my own identity came into being.

Cheers to Srishti G chari n another era of sibling love!

Bless the 2 babies..will u all please?

Ryan and Dakota.....we wait for thee!

***************
Pavi took When will you have children, what will you have and what will there names be

/* Insert a VERY CUTE pic of 2 babies here , 'coz i donno how to embed the same! */

Twins
You will have Twins 1 Boy and 1 Girl
You have the best of both worlds
They will be born on January 27 2017
They will be born naturally
They will be called Ryan and Dakota
Ryan will have Brown Hair and Blue eyes
Dakota will have Blonde Hair and Green Eyes
Ryan will grow up to be in the RAF
Dakota will be a stay at home mum with 5 Girls and will marry a Millionaire
****************

- If our daughter's husband is a millionaire, she becomes one too n thereby we,her parents too become millionaires rite?like, by default? with zero effort from our side...except of course the effort of making her!
- Can u imagine in her times Dakota is going to be a stay-at-home mom with 5 girls ?! I'm tellin u...times are changing... DRASTICALLY!
-RAF is Royal Army Airforce no??? not too bad either !
- So can someone now tell us..how do V n I...who look as desi as we do, produce childrern with brown/blonde hair and green/blue eyes?
-2017 : seeems far far away ; will have to make some changes to our early retirement plan!

/* For those of you who think i've gone cuckoo...this is a test I took on FB this morning!*/

I couldnt resist bloggin this...so i can visit this years later n validate it. n mabbe sue FB 'coz things didn't happen as it promised! ...see there are many ways of becoming a millionaire..one's just got to THINK!

PS: I really thank FB for providing such a comic relief to life n other such complicated matters!