Blah Moment

Warning : I’m in one of those moods.

All the things that have happened makes me wonder how a girl can transform from one who never lost hope inspite of the tears, from one who was so convinced that some relationships are meant to be and so no insult nor rejection could deter her from keeping the faith alive, from one who was patient for about 4 long years..to prove to someone that that friendship was meant to be.

TO

a girl who is so worried of herself being hurt that she just won’t try, a girl who can walk away from a relationship after trying for a mere year n a half, a girl who gets frustrated n worked up that the other person is not realizing that its over and won’t give up holding onto the friendship.

N wats scary n more upsetting is that the 1st time around..this girl was proved right. That friendship has survived all storms n lasted for 10 long years n continues to be precious for the 2 people . Then why won’t she/ shouldn’t she give this other friendship some more time? Why is she not able to bring herself to give it one more shot?

If only life’s questions had simple answers……

A one-sided view about India

PS : I had another post in draft that was going to be my first post for this year that i have been writing bit by bit thru' this week. I was to post it today. But then..I got this fwd this morning...n i couldnt not post it and disucss it here. So before your blood begins to boil Here is wishing each one of you and your near n dear ones a Very Very Happy 2010....One thats full of love, joy and contentment!!

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I don't disagree with all that the author has written. NOR DO I AGREE with him. India is some of what he writes..but its lots more as well. The **good** aspects about our country has conveniently been forgotten.

n "India Doesn't care" makes me want to laugh out loud at the author's ignorance!

I got this Fwd with the subject as "An Interesting Read about India". I diagreed and so changed the subject.

Ur thoughts?

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**Reflections on India**

By Sean Paul Kelley


If you are Indian, or of Indian descent, I must preface this post with a
clear warning: you are not going to like what I have to say. My criticisms
may be very hard to stomach. But consider them as the hard words and loving
advice of a good friend. Someone who's being honest with you and wants
nothing from you. These criticisms apply to all of India except Kerala and
the places I didn't visit, except that I have a feeling it applies to all of
India, except as I mentioned before, Kerala.. Lastly, before anyone accuses
me of Western Cultural Imperialism, let me say this: if this is what India
and Indians want, then hey, who am I to tell them differently. Take what you
like and leave the rest. In the end it doesn't really matter, as I get the
sense that Indians, at least many upper class Indians, don't seem to care
and the lower classes just don't know any better, what with Indian culture
being so intense and pervasive on the sub-continent. But here goes,
nonetheless.

India is a mess. It's that simple, but it's also quite complicated. I'll
start with what I think are India's four major problems--the four most
preventing India from becoming a developing nation--and then move to some of
the ancillary ones.

First, pollution. In my opinion the filth, squalor and all around pollution
indicates a marked lack of respect for India by *Indians.* I don't know how
cultural the filth is, but it's really beyond anything I have ever
encountered. At times the smells, trash, refuse and excrement are like a
garbage dump. Right
next door to the Taj Mahal was a pile of trash that smelled so bad,
was so foul as to almost ruin the entire Taj experience. Delhi, Bangalore
and Chennai to a lesser degree were so very polluted as to make me
physically ill. Sinus infections, ear infection, bowels churning was an all
to common experience in India. Dung, be it goat, cow or human fecal matter
was common *on the streets..* In major tourist areas filth was
everywhere, littering
the sidewalks, the
roadways, you name it. Toilets in the middle of the road, men
urinating
and defecating anywhere, in broad daylight. Whole villages are plastic bag
wastelands. Roadsides are choked by it. Air quality that can hardly be
called quality. Far
too much coal and far to few unleaded vehicles on the road. The
measure
should be how dangerous the air is for one's health, not how good it is.
People casually throw trash in the streets, on the roads. The only two
cities that could be considered sanitary in my journey were Trivandrum--the
capital of Kerala--and Calicut. I don't know why this is. But I can assure
you that at some point this pollution will cut into India's productivity, if
it already hasn't. The pollution will hobble India's growth path, if that
indeed is what the country wants. (Which I personally doubt, as India is far
too conservative a country, in the small 'c' sense.)

*More after the jump.*

The second issue, infrastructure, can be divided into four subcategories:
roads, rails and ports and the electrical grid. The electrical grid is a
joke. Load
shedding is all too common, everywhere in India. Wide swaths of the country
spend much of the day without the electricity they actually pay for. With
out regular electricity, productivity, again, falls. The ports are a joke.
Antiquated, out of date, hardly even appropriate for the mechanized world of
container ports, more in line with the days of longshoremen and the like.
Roads are an equal disaster. I only saw one elevated highway that would be
considered decent in Thailand, much less Western Europe or America. And I
covered fully two thirds of the country during my visit. There are so few
dual carriage way roads as to be laughable. There are no traffic laws to
speak of, and if there are, they are rarely obeyed, much less enforced. A
drive that should take an hour takes three. A drive that should take three
takes nine. The buses are at least thirty years
old, if not older. Everyone
in India, or who travels in India raves about the railway system.
Rubbish. It's awful. Now, when I was there in 2003 and then late 2004 it was
decent. But in the last five years the traffic on the rails has grown so
quickly that once again, it is threatening productivity. Waiting in line
just to ask a question now takes thirty minutes. Routes are routinely sold
out three and four days in advance now, leaving travellers stranded with
little option except to take the decrepit and dangerous buses. At least
fifty million people use the trains *a day* in India. 50 million people! Not
surprising that waitlists of 500 or more people are common now. The rails
are affordable and comprehensive but they are overcrowded and what with
budget airlines popping up in India like Sashes in an ashram the middle and
lowers classes are left to deal with the over utilized rails and quality
suffers. No one seems to give a shit. Seriously, I just never have the
impression that the Indian government really cares. Too interested in buying
weapons from Russia, Israel and the US I guess.

The last major problem in India is an old problem and can be divided into
two parts that've been two sides of the same coin since government was
invented: bureaucracy and corruption. It take triplicates to register into a
hotel. To get a SIM card for one's phone is like wading into a jungle of
red-tape and photocopies one is not likely to emerge from in a good mood,
much less satisfied with customer service. Getting train tickets is a
terrible ordeal, first you have to find the train number, which takes 30
minutes, then you have to fill in the form, which is far from easy, then you
have to wait in line to try and make a reservation, which takes 30 minutes
at least and if you made a single mistake on the form back you go to the end
of the queue, or what passes for a queue in India. The government is
notoriously uninterested in the problems of the commoners, too busy fleecing
the rich, or trying to get rich themselves in some way shape or form. Take
the trash for example, civil rubbish collection authorities are too busy
taking kickbacks from the wealthy to keep their areas clean that they don't
have the time, manpower, money or interest in doing their job. Rural
hospitals are perennially understaffed as doctors pocket the fees the
government pays them, never show up at the rural hospitals and practice in
the cities instead.

I could go on for quite some time about my perception of India and its
problems, but in all seriousness, I don't think anyone in India really
cares. And that, to me, is the biggest problem. India is too conservative a
society to want to change in any way. Mumbai, India's financial capital is
about as filthy, polluted and poor as the worst city imaginable in Vietnam,
or Indonesia--and being more polluted than Medan, in Sumatra is no easy
task. The biggest rats I have ever seen were in Medan!

One would expect a certain amount of, yes, I am going to use this word,
backwardness, in a country that hasn't produced so many Nobel Laureates,
nuclear physicists, imminent economists and entrepreneurs. But India has all
these things and what have they brought back to India with them? Nothing.
The rich still have their servants, the lower castes are still there to do
the dirty work and so the country remains in stasis. It's a shame. Indians
and India have many wonderful things to offer the world, but I'm far from
sanguine that India will amount to much in my lifetime..

Now, have at it, call me a cultural imperialist, a spoiled child of the West
and all that. But remember, I've been there. I've done it. And I've seen 50
other countries on this planet and none, not even Ethiopia, have as long and
gargantuan a laundry list of problems as India does. And the bottom line is,
I don't think India really cares. Too complacent and too conservative.

Confusions of the Thinking Mind

Picture this. Year 2009. A couple who live by themselves. The husband, Mr Open Minded , 60 yrs old, closed his own business 5 years back.[He didnt have a choice about it and did what he had to in the give circumstances]. The wife, Ms Independent, 55 yrs , is working at a 9 to 6 job. they have a debt to clear n Ms independent intends on quitting her job once the loan has been taken care of. Mr Open-minded helps around the house. As needed he washes clothes (India style, on a washing stone; not by loading the washing machine!!), sweeps n mops the house, washes the front porch n draws a rangoli etc etc. Ms Independent does her share of house-work, cooking, cleaning dishes etc.

So what is your instant reaction to such a story? Do you want to pat the guy on the back and say New-age man and applaud him for throwing in a helping hand? For being broad-minded enough to agree and live this set-up?

Well.tho not completely, for a while..that was my reaction. I convinced myself that this is development n change n this is what we are heading to. But no more fooling myself,. Something , just something seems to be amiss with the set-up. It doesn’t paint the picture of a happy couple leading a happy life. I’m not sure if the husband should actually be called “Mr Open-minded”. Or the Wife “Ms Independent”. She is more like “Ms supporter” and he “Mr easy-way-out”

For starters I know the Ms Supporter is tired of working @ a 9-6 job. She has been doing this for the last 25 odd years. She needs a break. BUT if a debt must be cleared, then someone has got to work. n if its okay for a guy to work even when he doesn’t want to, why can’t the same hold true for a woman? N its not that Mr Easy-Way-Out has a job opportunity but won’t take it up. He doesn’t have any that are “appropriate”. And India is not yet matured to treat all jobs with the same dignity.

If I don’t feel sorry for a house wife (now known as home maker) who does the home tasks why should I feel sorry for a guy who is at home, who does the same? BUT it’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of a guy drawing a rangoli in front of the house at 6 am! There is something about it that doesn’t look as modern as it sounds.

So much for preaching the equality of men and women! Given my reactions, should I be branded as a hypocrite in this situation? Is it just me who has this kinda reaction? Can my resistance to this scenario be categorized under the “normal” general resistance to change and will I be able to look at the same situation in a positive manner few years down the line when it is more prevalent? Will such a scenario become more prevalent in the coming years?

What if I told you that now, Mr Easy-Way-Out has b’come used to Ms Supporter providing for them and so shows no inclination to contribute to the finances in any manner so that she can retire soon, like she wishes to? Even when Ms Supporter says that she wants to quit..he clearly says/shows his disagreement with the idea and prods her to continue working atleast part-time. That can’t be the right thing to do!?! But if both of them are done working, then what does the family do to provide for themselves?!

Sorry, I’ve raised a zillion questions in this post. But my mind feels very confused. It’s not able to come up with any solution. What do you feel about all this?

It’s the time

Its that time of the year when there is loads n loads of festivals!..Starting Raksha Bandan/Aavani Avittam(the day the men change their sacred thread. Never mind that Mr husband takes it off the very next day..’coz its yet a day of celebration at home) in early August until New Years even in Dec..its celebration time. Time to get dolled up, cook fancy food, throw parties, attend parties and have a blast!

Well, technically this post should have come much earlier i.e in august. I generally look forward to all the festivals and this time more so ‘coz my inlaws were suppose to be here..and I was planning on celebrating all of them very traditionally and making lots of yummy food ‘coz I would be assisting well-experienced hands in the kitchen. But it wasn’t meant to be. The Avani Avittam and Ganesh Chaturthi celebrations were nice…but inlaws left early, just before Janmashatami..and so it was back to just the husband and I for the remaining festivals.

I was bummed about it and thanks to being in low spirits did not celebrate Janmashtami or Dusshera. We did nothing at home. Not even any special food. No special prayers. Nothing. The husband played along. He didn’t complain about the lack of celebration nor did he motivate to actually celebrate.

Now it’s time for Diwali. n since childhood this has remained my fav festival. For the last 2 years that I have been in the US..we have had a Diwali potluck at my place..decorated our home with Diyas and Rangoli, cooked some special food, did puja, wore new traditional clothes etc etc etc. This year coz my mil was suppose to be here..i had decided that we would have a Diwali party at home as usual except that we would do ALL the cooking. Atleast 30 people had come over last year minus the kids.

Thankfully the high spirits have returned and I want to celebrate Diwali nicely. If possible, make up for all the festivals I missed celebrating. Now of course plans had to change. I couldn’t cook for 30 people…but no, I want to cook. N there has been disagreements between the husband and me in that area. I don’t like throwing a party in OUR HOME unless we are on the same page.

As luck would have it…we have to move by the end of the month. We are just moving to the ground floor in the same apartment. N this is being done mostly ‘coz I want to. Thanks to constantly moving for the last 2 years..this year, I couldn’t rest in peace when we recently completed a year in the same home. I have been itching to move and the opportunity has risen and the husband has agreed! I like moving ‘coz it brings about the excitement of setting up a new home and of course it’s a nice excuse to clean and do away with all the unwanted stuff we have collected at home.

N so..we have decided that we will throw a party once we move to our new home and settle down there. I’m looking forward to the move and the party that will follow after.

Meanwhile..I am really xcited about Diwali. I have decided on the menu for the day. I’m yet to choose which sari I’m going to drape, but I’ve picked up some matching jewellery to go with a few saris I have shortlisted. We have chosen the sherwani for the hubby and have been invited to attend a party at a friend’s place in the evening.

Am so looking forward to the coming days! Hope its fun! Yippe!

So, what are your plans for Diwali? And which is your favorite festival?

Sum Of All Fears

They were crawling below the unbderbush. Tired and sweaty. "Come on, Pavi...a few more miles and we are through", Vinod implored. Pavi knew it wasn't true, but after seeing the way Musheer and Vinay were taken down, she did not care for rest. Clutching her gun close to the chest she crawled further, inch by inch.

---
"It wil be fun!", Harish was exclaiming, "You guys have just a day with us and why waste it by sitting at a coffee shop and yapping; which we do anyways over chat and mail!". She could see that Vinod was on his side, he too liked the idea of having a day in the outdoors as he had been cooped up since the time they visited India. She could see the merits but for a reason she could not quite fathom, felt uneasy. She looked at Musheer and Vinay. Vinay was as usual a fence sitter but Musheer, maybe sensing her unease, said "Yeah da! It sounds fun. With the jungle all around and you, i don't know...hanging out sounds like a perfect plan to me! What's wrong with hang..."

"...don't be a girl Mush!" Harish snapped, "You know that all this talk about naxals in the jungle are rubbish...and what do you think I would try? Kill you?"

---

And now he was. Pavi couldn't help but shake the feeling that this was all Harish's plan. For one; he had practically disappeared the moment they hit the resort. And Musheer was shot from the front. The red splattered across his chest was a large blob which meant that he was shot up close, he wouldn't allow someone he didn't know to come that close, right?

"What?" She turned to Vinod, "I didn't hear what you said". "I said, we will take a break once we reach that ridge, but we will have to cross it alone. I will sneak along and give you the signal to come across, alright?"

She nodded, barely able to hide her frustration. She dragged him into this and he had endured for so long without complaining and not even for once had he uttered anything about giving up. A surge of affection welled up inside her for her husband and before she could bring herself to say anything he gave her a look. A look that meant he understood and a that it will be over soon. A feeling, though she did not share, was glad that he did.

---
"You okay, right? Vinod asked, "We can cancel this and stay back in the city if you want" She could see that he was serious and even though he liked the idea of gallivanting through the jungle, he would stay back if she did not feel upto it. "Hmmm...Can we?" She asked teasingly and laughed at the flight of expressions across his face; dismay, concern and; when he realized she was kidding; a wide grin.

"Alright, alright...I get it...I will pay the price for this won't I?"

"We'll see"
---

With a quick kiss and a nod, he slowly began to walk, crouching, towards the ridge. There was an open stretch where for a second he was exposed to anyone watching but he quickly crossed it and leaned on a rock; partially hidden from her. She sighed in relief and for a minute had this optimistic thought that they might yet make it.

He looked over to her and smiled, or so she thought and she smiled back. And realized in horror that there was a shape slowly disengaging itself from the cluster of rocks and was rising behind Vinod. She gave a muted scream and realized thta he hasn't noticed it. The form resolved itself to the familiar, and now loathed, shape of Harish. Vinod realised something was wrong when her piercing scream reached his ears and he turned back with his gun raised, a little too late. She heard the chatter of Harish's rifle and saw the blotches, dark and brooding, appear in front of Vinod's chest.

He was falling and then...it was all a blur...she remember pointing her gun and screaming...running down the slope...body powered by rage and thirst for revenge...staring into Harish's eyes and pressing the trigger...seeing the red blob where his head was...jumping on his flailing body and hitting his helmeted head with her gun...

"Pavi, Pavi...whoa!!! Easy!! It's paintball, not wrestle mania!! You win! You win!"

*********************************************************************************

This space means a lot to me. It belongs to me…ONLY me. Its a space that I have complete control over.Its a space where I can speak w/o having anyone interrupt me. N that I like. There have been times when I have been hooked to it and given it lots of attention by writing many posts[one per week ;every week of the month is MANY in my dictionary!], responding to comments on a daily basis and all of that. n then there have been times when I hvn’t visited it in ages. I’ve just let it be;not done anything with it for several weeks. Frankly, I rarely beat myself up or feel guilty about not updating my blog as often as I should. I’ve always been aware n conscious of its existence. Of the fact that I can come here n write what I want n instantly feel better. n that’s all matters to me. After all its MINE.

All you people who have been reading me for several months now. Thank You very much. I won’t lie that the readers..commenters is one other reason that keeps me coming back to my space. As much as jotting my thoughts down makes me feel good; the fact that someone cares to read what I write makes me feel better.

I can’t remember why I started writing back in Dec 2004.Think it was a fad to own blogs then and then I had friends who wrote very well, n who I loved to read. Thus began this journey. Now its no more the fad..the most important reason why I write is ‘coz I want to be able to look back at my life and my thoughts. It’s about coming back to it several years later. Its about capturing some things in words.

So ya in [close to] 5 years…I finally have my 100th post. THIS is it! N of course the dear dear friend who created this space for me n wrote my first post.. is the obvious choice to write my 100th post. He doesn’t blog as much these days.I really wish he blogged more often.

I hope this space continues to live with me!

Okay..tell me honestly..how many of u all could identify that the “Sum of All Fears” wasn’t authored by me? N how/why? Be honest u guys!