Hey All...
As a result of my new job and the festive season(Dusshera & Diwali) I've been super busy on the home and work front...Sorry, I haven't been able to update my blog as often as I would like to. Pls do keep visitin!
Is Honesty Really the best Policy?
Is it important or even essential to tell everyone the truth about everything?
Is any lie...Just that...a lie? Should no exceptions be made for white lies?
Is saying the truth in any situation always the best thing to do??
A friend of mine is in that phase of life where shez looking for a partner. Shes been meeting up with men and at that point when the 2 of them get comfortable with each other and seem to like each other…she takes the plunge and enlightens him COMPLETELY about her past relationships. Her information sharing is more than simply stating that she has an ex-boyfriend. She tells the guy that shez lived in for a few months n some more details . N after this the guy doesn’t come online as often as he used to, keeps missing her calls and mysteriously vanishes…
Initially I was tempted to say “oh! The guy is not good enough if he can’t accept you they way u are, with all ur past, present details”.. But I’m beginning to rethink that..coz this has been happening with her for too long now and with too many men. Is it really important to give the guy all the details? She has honestly gotten over her ex. Can’t she simply say “Yes, I’ve had past relationships” and leave it at that?
In yet another instance..another friend’s boyfriend came along and confessed to her that he had had a thing for her friend before he fell in love with her. He said he had gotten over the crush/infatuation/whatever well before their relationship started. Yet she was disturbed. She tried to sustain the relationship for a few weeks and then she broke up. The guy didn’t deserve that. He was truly heart-broken. They would have been better off if he had kept his secret to himself.
During college days, a girl wanted to be honest n went n asked her parents permission to get drunk in Goa… well..u can guess wat her parents response to that was… n so much for honesty…she wasn’t even allowed to go on the Goa trip anymore!
During my school days for about 1 or 2 yrs, I and a few other friends used to copy during class tests. I used to pass around my paper to the boys. One fine day, my class Xiii teacher asked all those who copied to go over and confess to her. Most of us didn’t. A few who did were given grade E that year…
Honesty was definitely not the best policy in all the above cases. N Really there was no lesson to learn from being honest either. So, what’s your response to my questions at the beginning of this post? Mine is pretty obvious!
Monday, October 20, 2008
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' Strong relationships are not based on complete frankness, but on sensible reticence!'
Dropped by your blog, made a great read :) Keep writing!
this topic is really controversial...
what ur lady friend did is absolutely right..what if he had known abt it after their mariage..??..it would have been disastrous...same thing had happened to me..had a crush on my class mate..i proposed her and told her everything abt myself including my bad habits..she just accepted me as i am and now we are good friends:)...honesty really pays but only sometimes...
hm.. i think selective honesty will be the best policy... about the first friend, I still say those guys dont deserver her.. wht if they break free or make her life hell if they come to know abt in in future?
personally, i dont know what the big deal is - why there is different standard for guys and girls? hypocrats, i say. ur friend better wait for teh right guy - she will be happy :)
well, i say the guy was given a raw deal - but if the girlfriend can dump him for such a silly reason, how well they would have hold in future when bigger issues arise?
he will get over his heartache - but she lot a nice guy for ever... her loss, I say...
While telling truth just make sure....
1. Will it hurt anyone?
2. Will it be good for somebody/something?
If not why bother telling truth???
But for the situations u given, if somebody really loves somebody, will they care about their past?? If they do, why should bother about somebody who dosen't really love ??
So, we can use "Telling truth" as a measure to check whether they really love or not.
Maybe honesty is not the best policy for students who cheat and then get punished for it. But if they would have been honest to begin with (that is if they do not cheat), then that situation would never have occurred.
I guess the issue that touches everyone heart the most in this post is the honesty in relationships. I truly believe that one should be honest with one's partner, even when trying to build a new relationship or even after a relationship is secure.
Yes, there is no need to go around giving details on how many times you made out with your ex and stuff like that but I think that some things are better heard directly from the horse's mouth than from an outsider. And yes, if the guy/girl leaves you, then that is the best option because you never know how they will react in the future and whether they have the maturity and security to handle more intense issues.
Hey Pavi, came here from Sol's blog....
I dont think it is essential to tell everyone the truth about everything. I personally dont do that. It gives me more grief and causes more damage than good.
Regarding your friend's case, it is important to share some level of information regarding past relationships, but NOT EVERYTHING. I feel it is not necessary, as long as you are over it and you dont keep in touch with your ex anymore.
Trust goes a long way in such matters - once she is married and in future her husband has further questions (for whatever reason) regarding her past, she can explain to him and since they would have built up mutual trust and respect, it would be easier than being totally honest and upfront about it.
Good post - it's nice that you blogged about this issue and will get to know different perspectives about this situation.
~S~
see, i'm known to be quite iffy on the ethics part.
but i sill believe that what ur friend tells the men about her ex-boyfriends in necessary. if a guy can't handle it about a girl he's just met, imagine how he'd react if he finds out after marriage. and there, it's the rest of the life - HER life, which is concerned. she needs to find someone mature. and she will. if not, she's better being single.
in the other scenarios u've mentioned, i don't think there was much of a point being honest.
i am pretty self-centered. and as long as the truth doesn't hurt me or those i care about, i'm quite blunt as well. but if i believe that the truth is going to hurt someone i hold dear, or affect my life negatively, i'd rather be politically correct about it.
i insist that the statement is true, but i read the statement as
honestly is the best policy on mondays
:D :D :D
and to solitaire's comment - it is easier said than done, especially when one is well out of a relationship and wants the support of a new one
In the situation that you mention I think the basic knowledge should be shared not the details of the past.
Also on a personal level what about ones conscience....can you live hiding things all your life?
And ones you are kinda hiding or neglecting it - it will come back to bite you in some form or the other sometime in the relationship
I personally feel that it is important to face the demons no matter how they are right in the beginning and then if there is a mutual understanding - it will work or else it wasnt meant to be....
and lastly...even after saying clearing everything in the beginning....its not a surety things can always work out...so do what you feel is right at that moment....
very ture..!!
at times honesty back fires..!!
its upto each individual to decide on what extend to be honest..looking at each situations..!!
but the ultimate point is that the end result should be for good only..!!
:)
Pavi,
One has to lie at times and only example I can cite is a short story by Somerset Maughm called " Mr Know All ". In case of your friend who has been so honest I would only say that no matter how advanced or open minded we( men ) may claim to be, majority of us still expect our would be wife to be virgin no matter what all relations we have had in the past.
Take care
If she is not upfront and the guy finds out later in the marriage.. what then? In this case maybe honesty is the better policy.. in the case of the copying.. maybe not! But then it was the dishonesty that caused the trouble in the first place!!
@ Burf,
As Ceedy said, I think it is easier said than done to LIVE with the guilt of not telling one's partner the truth for an entire lifetime.
Is it important or even essential to tell everyone the truth about everything?
Is any lie...Just that...a lie? Should no exceptions be made for white lies?
Is saying the truth in any situation always the best thing to do??
I have one answer for all these questions. If telling the truth causes more harm (to others or ones-self in certain cases), then its better to lie. It depends on the situation..
My one comment to the first example you gave is that maybe your friend should start broadening her search for her partner. I think if she sticks to the Indian men, she is most likely to get the same response over and over again!! No offense to any other Indians here..i think that is just the culture.
In the second case, I think the guy will be better off in the long run..telling the truth showed him what kind of a person she was, he was able to get an idea of her insecurities early on.
The third situation...well thats just plain stupid!! What did she expect?
And as for the last situation..well, I have no comment...
Good post girl :)
@carolinagal
I take offense ;)
I would say your friend should just tell that she had a past relationship and stop there at the initial stages of dating. We do not list all our characteristics (good/bad) when we first meet someone. Why list all details of personal life? It should be a gradual process just like we get to know bad habits of our partners gradually. To me it is much more easier to accept unpleasant things after knowing and liking someone for sometime.
Is Honesty Really the best Policy? - Noooooooo. Thats what life has taught me & continuosly teaching me.
very often I get into trouble for giving honest opinions when I was asked for one.
Ah.. so you are the intelligent girl in class huh :)
i guess guilt will always be beaten by the resolve, honesty in current relationship and faith in time
past relationships are grossly overestimated
@Ceedy
Sowwwwyyyy
@Shree: Welcome to my space...
i like how u summed up my essay in one apt sentence!
@Broca:I'm not suggesting that she hide the fact that she had a prior relationship..I just feel that she need not get into too many details. No partner(guy or gurl) needs these details.It won't do any good for either of them.
@Xh:its not abt diff standards for men n women...its just that my frend hppnd to be a gurl..any partner need not be given any specific details ,In the intial stages...one doesn;t u'stand each other so much to handle such information.
n yes it is her loss..but she was so used to hangin out with her bf n best frend together..n she cld no more do that...it was just hard to resume normal life...im notjustifyin her...but..
@Karthik: It takes a while before a relationship reaches that stage where "tellin Truth" can be measure of love. The theory doesn't hold goodin the initial stages of a relp..
@Sol: yes..some amt of info on the past is reqd..but not all of it. I just think 2 ppl shldn't discuss details of their past relationship.
@Shachi: Welcome to my space...
n ur echo my thots here!Even i blv that distinction shld be made and a line shld be drawn.
@Ray: The point i was tryin to make is abt how much she tells him and no wez am i suggestin that she hide that she has ever been ina relp!
Also..some things are better understood when a relp has lasted longer n the couple have faced good n bad times together. its not necessary that the guy wont accept sumthing later into marrg just coz he didn't in the initial staged of the relp.infact it works the other way arnd!
@Ceedy: yes! thats wat im saying to..say the basic info and not get into details.
As far as the conscience is concerned..if one is not guilty and doesnt nurture any feeling for the ex anymore...it shldnt be hard to live normally...The ex is no more a priority in life..so one doesn't really worry abt it.
Yes..it is abt the moment..people and situations keep evolvin..so one can never gurantee anythin!
@Jack: Thanks so much for admittin..Very few men do that!
@Preeti :allim sayin is she donest have to get into specific details abt her past relp which the guy wont find out ..'coz these are secrets btw her n her ex.
n rgdg copyin...well..dishonesty din't cause trbl..the ones who owned up gotaway with it..only admittin to dishonesty caused trouble!
@CG: Thnx! n ur rite abt the culture factor...
@Cm-chap: No re..notintelligent..just average n hard working :)
well, even before i read ur post, i knew the answers for all ur questions.
never give away everything abt u, even if it's ur true love. wht u feel as the right choice, might appear as the wrong one for most of the others.
Diwali is a joyous celebration of lights. It is an occasion to rejoice in the victory of good over evil 'n of light over darkness. Wishing you all and to your friends/ family/ relatives/ acquaintances on this festival of lights with my warm greetings. Wish them happiness, peace 'n prosperity 'n hope their Diwali becomes a memorable one.
Cheers!!
hmmm...I agree with you completely on this. Bitter experiences in the past (and recent past) has made me too adopt this policy...that Honesty isn't the best one...
Not that I replace sincerity with it coz I still believe you need sincerity...even when you lie.
@Satish: Oops..im so predictable :)
@Ankur: Thanks! I had a gr8 Diwali..n im sure its the same with u as well :)
Don't see u arnd much these days..where have u been?
@Harish: Yes..all lies are not okay.@ the end of the day..u gotta answer ur conscience if not any1 else..n if one wasn't sincere..they'd find it hard to do that
i don't know pavs...
maybe in a couple of meetings.. but she should tell him before they tie the knot. it's more difficult, as sol said, to live with the guilt of not having told him.
and at that stage, the risk factor of "if he reacts negatively" are rather high. i wouldn't risk it.
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